hard, harder, hardest

This was prompted by a friends Facebook post but, also my own experience and possibly upcoming experience.
         The hard part :Many people can grasp the concept of adding a child to your family. many people have experienced this reality themselves. The idea that is hard to convey is how one night you have your "normal" family and  an hour, a day, a week, or a  minute later your life changes when you get the phone call asking you to if you would consider taking a sibling group into your home or an individual child, or a young mom and her child. By the way, we don't know much about them. but DCFS  can usually tell you why the child was removed, the gender and ages. Sometimes, that is all you get. Then you have a limited time to make a decision that is life changing. Most people can't grasp what that is like. When you say "No". No one understands the guilt that takes hold. Few understand when you say "yes" how you have to change your life around for children you haven't even met yet. But, this is the life of a foster parent. no complaints just fact.
         The harder part, you are taking care of this child. you give it your all. you take them to school, you take them to the Dr., you take them to church, vacations, birthdays, you treat them as your children. it is fun and hard, you learn a lot. you grow together. you start to create an attachment. this is the hard part for friends and family to understand. this doesn't just naturally happen. both sides have to work on it and lets face it, not all personalities mesh together. when you give birth to children or adopt " a sure thing", this happens a lot more naturally and easier. when we foster you have this child with no bond or connection to you (nor do they want one with you) and you have to create it. you have this strangers child you are doing "everything" for and they reject you, your rules, your decisions, your comments. the act out on holidays and birthdays and these events become harder to face because you know what is probably going to happen. they don't like their schedules changed. not only don't they like it but the can't handle it. major meltdowns occur. and don't even get me started on what happens on a "visit day". it is ugly for several days after and usually the day before. even babies....
           the hardest part comes when they leave.  this is a loss you can't describe, except to a person who has lost a child. it is devastating. you have nurtured given love, devoted your energy to driving them, talking to them, playing with them for a year or more of their life and yours. this is a long time!! some go even longer. then they go home. you are so happy for them because you know how children can suffer, question, wonder and the loss they feel without that birth parent. so you have joy for them. the parents are on the right path. they are not perfect but they are trying. this feeling goes hand in hand with the thought that the parent isn't going to give them what you can. they don't have a stable enough life yet. they haven't been "clean" long enough. doesn't DCFS see what I see? don't the AG's office and Guardian ad litem have any idea what they may put this child through by going home too early? how can they do this?
                   then the realization that you as the foster parent have very little voice. you can scream, argue, through tantrums, share facts, share how the child has blossomed at our home. how they are now performing at their appropriate age. DCFS thanks you (maybe) then tells you the parents are on their way to a doing well. They need the opportunity and if the child comes into care again, you will be the first one DCFS contacts to take them back so you can live the roller coaster again
                     the big day arrives and they leave. you pack their favorite things. You send them with so much more than they came with. you dress them in their very best. You bathe them, make sure you have everything. clean out their room, and you try not to break down. The caseworker arrives. the dreaded moment has come. you have to have hand over your beloved child. the one who now tolerates your presence, who hugs you, who gives you a smile, who rushes towards you when they see you. we always include an "instruction" sheet. this is about foods they like. they are working on doing this.... the sleep and eat  times. we instruct the parent through the letter to not wash all of their belongings right away but to keep them smelling like us to make the transition easier. we tell them of our love for their child. we send them with pictures of their life. then, you have to hand over your baby/child to the caseworker. the caseworker tries to reassure you. they can't always fully meet your eyes as they know you are grieving. they may give you one more minute to say goodbye. you whisper sweet words of love. you tell them they are strong and they will be okay. that you will always love them. you tell them to remember you and what a family should feel like. you hope they will have that thought somewhere in their mind for years to come.
                           then..they are gone from your life. that easily they came into it and that quickly they are no longer with you. you enter your home, say a prayer and finally break down. the loss is real. you are a grieving parent. most people don't know how to react or what to say. they don't treat you like you have lost a huge chunk of your life.
                         you take some time to be with your family. then....you do it again with another one. we have done this with 65 children. some have been able to stay but that has it repercussions as well. that is another post.
                           we have a new baby that we are currently giving all of our love to. This baby may be returned to its birth family. how do you rationalize this in your mind? how do you give them all that they need but protect yourself? the truth? you can't. they deserve the very best of you. they deserve your best effort. the deserve all you have to give. that is why you became a foster parent. to help, to encourage, to love, to teach. to keep children in a family because that is what they need and what you have the strength to provide.
                   Not everyone can be a foster parent. this was a calling that you were chosen for. no one ever said it would be easy....
     
       

Top 10 things people say to my family...and the answers

10. Are they all yours? Yes. they are all of mine. recently at Costco a man commented that we had a lot of groceries. we said something like "we have 16 kiddos at home." He said, "Wow! i thought I had a lot with 11!" We replied, "that is a lot!" (people often think this is a competition) He said, "well, mine are all from one wife." John said, "well, I can't make that same claim." Then, we left. I felt horrible that he might of thought we were polygamists or something. Then, I thought, "Who says stuff like that?" Who says well, mine are all from one wife!
9. "I couldn't do foster care, I could NEVER give them back" Someone just said this to me at a meeting I attended. I know they didn't mean anything wrong by it but, that hurt. Do people think I am the Tin man and don't have a heart? Do they think I believe children are disposable? Do they think I hand children back and leave with no sadness? Do they think I am not haunted by the loss of all of these children that have come through my life? It is definitely NOT easy. It hurts and it is hard. I am normal. I hurt like everyone else. Do you know what it is like to exclusively care for a child for 1 year or more and then they have to leave your home?
8. How do you manage all of their "problems" ? It is hard. they have issues that they didn't create. But, I would like they have "problems" just like the rest of us do. Many of them are from living in a home were parents are still learning their priorities. They didn't create this.
7. I would be too afraid for my children to ever take in a foster child. This is often followed up by "they would introduce them to too many bad things".  You always take a risk exposing your children to things you don't want them to know. I take the risk when they watch tv, play with a friend, go to Disneyland, attend school...the list goes on and on. For the most part, kids are going to expose other kids to the things they have learned. Kids may find out the Easter Bunny or Santa aren't real from other kids too. We take preemptive measures and talk to our kids before they find out from someone else. Our children are prepared for what they may see, hear and experience. They may find out things a little earlier that other children but, that is okay. We constantly ask, "what do you think about that?"
6. You must be angels. I honestly cringe when people say this. The truth is we make a million mistakes every day. (John less than me, of course.) We have more opportunity (more kids) to make more mistakes than the average parent. We are definitely not angels. We yell, we get frustrated, overwhelmed and a myriad of other emotions with our kids. We are however trying to be the best possible people we can be.
5. How can you manage it all? We have a great team. We all contribute. John loves it when we actually coordinate it all on our cell phone calendars. :) That really makes him happy. John has worked overtime lately because I have been gone working. (That will change in 5 weeks). But, we have each others back.
4. Do you know all of your kids names?This one is hilarious to me. I was seriously asked this question on multiple occasions. Do you know YOUR children's names? Really? I may get hung up on the year they were born but yes, I know their names. geesh!
3. It must be easier having older children who can help with the youngers all of the time. My answer? You either don't have older children or you don't have older and younger children. The truth is, my children are incredible. They help so much! But, raising my kids is my responsibility not theirs! They do help a lot when asked but, it isn't always a pleasant encounter. They don't always WANT to help. They are kids after all. many of them, have not had the actual experience of being kids.
2. How can you afford all of those children? This one is very personal to me. The fact is, we have been incredibly blessed! People continue to surprise me with their generosity towards our family. We have lived on one income for almost all of the 23 years we have been married. This has been a great blessing. No kidding, money can be tight sometimes. But, we make due with less. We rarely eat out. Going to a movie is a luxury. We don't (GASP!) have cable tv. We save where we can.
1. What is this group about? (we are just a family) Then, who are your real children? This makes me laugh. People often have an awkward hand gesture that accompanies this question. They often follow this up with the second question. Really? They all look real to me how about you? When they persist, we thank them for the added therapy sessions they have created. They are all of my real children. Yes I have some biological children but, lets not discuss that in front of the kids that can hear you.

Bottom line? Think before you speak. I don't often get offended. Although that guy at Costco...really? My kids have learned to deal with the questions/stares and the disgust that oozes from people who don't agree with the amount of children we have. All in all, people are pretty darn nice. people want to understand they just don't always think how it sounds.
I love what we do. In 5 weeks, I will love being home again permanently. sometimes I wish I could speed up time and be home now. I have learned there is no place I would rather be than home with my family. I will answer the final question (even though I have several times now) Yes, we will probably have more...