I feel like I live in a soap opera sometimes. I sometimes have a hard time separating the important from the unimportant.
Which "things" should I continue to harp on my kids for? The list seems long and endless.
Clean your room
Brush your teeth
Take a shower
Make your bed
Do your chore
turn off the TV and engage your brain
Do your homework
Pay attention in church
Pay attention at school
Please just pay attention
Don't be mean
Don't call names
No pushing!
No swearing
No hitting
You can't date until you are 16
Make good choices
Be a builder not a wrecking machine
Stay focused on the temple
Stay morally and physically clean
Well, I am sure you know the drill. What is important? What truly matters? If the kids don't have clean rooms does that make them and me slothful?Is this the real reason? If my kids don't act a certain way, do people see that as a reflection of poor parenting?
Am I being judged? Am I more concerned with what people think than how my kids will turn out?
I am forever apologizing for a dirty home, messy hair, messy kids, poor behavior in my children etc...
What is the deeper issue?
I think it is that I see these issues as a reflection of me. I somehow tie my kids issues to my self worth and problems.
Part of the problem for me, is I feel people have a certain stereotype of large families. I feel like if my home is dirty, I fall into that stereotype. Quite frankly, I am better than that.
If my kids are dirty or have messy hair, I feel like people are judging me, "Oh she has too many kids".
This really boils down to me and my self esteem. I would love to be one of the people who can laugh it off or it doesn't affect them. But for me, it does affect me. I can laugh it off at the time or pretend i don't care but deep down it feels like I don't measure up. It feels like I reinforce my own weakness. I hear in my head, "See, you really aren't good enough."
The problem comes if and when I perpetuate those thoughts, feelings, and emotions in my children.
Am i subconsciously letting them know that they aren't good enough, that they will never measure up?
I think we need to be very careful not to confuse our issues with our childrens. I think we need to make sure our children don't have the same self esteem issues that we do.
Since I believe in honesty, even when it hurts, I need to share something that happened this weekend. We had a rough weekend. There were kids who were outright defiant. Kids who were being mean. Kids who were full of their teenage attitudes. Enough said, right?
well, John asked me to tell him something they had done well this weekend. I couldn't think of anything significant. I could have given you a long list of what each child had done wrong but, I couldn't focus on the good they did.
Such is the life I lead. Sometimes, I am so focused on the problem at hand that I can't see or acknowledge the non problems we experience.
My kids are good kids. If I ever have a doubt I watch "Supernanny or Nanny 911". I am so glad I don't experience those types of problems. :/
It is time I focused on the good. I told my kids these weekend that we are the warriors. We were saved for these turbulent times because we could prevail. I was supposed to come to earth at this time so I could parent the children that could endure and withstand all of the garbage around them. They are some of the Lord's most valiant. He has saved these special strong, warrior spirits to fight the constant battles around them. When we argue, fight, belittle, talk back, or are slothful we are handing Satan a piece of our family. I told them I am just as guilty as they are sometimes. It is time we became the warriors Heavenly Father needs us to be. It is time we allow our home to become a refuge from all of the problems that beset the world today.
It reminds me of this talk by Ezra Taft Benson
http://www.latterdayconservative.com/ezra-taft-benson/a-plea-to-strengthen-our-families/
Today is the day we take back our families. Today is the day we focus on the good. the uplifting. The positive.
Today is the day we work on strengthening our children and our homes so only the best of feelings preside.It is up to us to change our world by changing our family. Because "the family is central to the Creator's plan". It is time we were the voices that sound louder than unmoral and corrupt.
What are you going to do to take back your family?
"As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord."
Showing posts with label children. Show all posts
Showing posts with label children. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Monday, December 1, 2014
hard, harder, hardest
This was prompted by a friends Facebook post but, also my own experience and possibly upcoming experience.
The hard part :Many people can grasp the concept of adding a child to your family. many people have experienced this reality themselves. The idea that is hard to convey is how one night you have your "normal" family and an hour, a day, a week, or a minute later your life changes when you get the phone call asking you to if you would consider taking a sibling group into your home or an individual child, or a young mom and her child. By the way, we don't know much about them. but DCFS can usually tell you why the child was removed, the gender and ages. Sometimes, that is all you get. Then you have a limited time to make a decision that is life changing. Most people can't grasp what that is like. When you say "No". No one understands the guilt that takes hold. Few understand when you say "yes" how you have to change your life around for children you haven't even met yet. But, this is the life of a foster parent. no complaints just fact.
The harder part, you are taking care of this child. you give it your all. you take them to school, you take them to the Dr., you take them to church, vacations, birthdays, you treat them as your children. it is fun and hard, you learn a lot. you grow together. you start to create an attachment. this is the hard part for friends and family to understand. this doesn't just naturally happen. both sides have to work on it and lets face it, not all personalities mesh together. when you give birth to children or adopt " a sure thing", this happens a lot more naturally and easier. when we foster you have this child with no bond or connection to you (nor do they want one with you) and you have to create it. you have this strangers child you are doing "everything" for and they reject you, your rules, your decisions, your comments. the act out on holidays and birthdays and these events become harder to face because you know what is probably going to happen. they don't like their schedules changed. not only don't they like it but the can't handle it. major meltdowns occur. and don't even get me started on what happens on a "visit day". it is ugly for several days after and usually the day before. even babies....
the hardest part comes when they leave. this is a loss you can't describe, except to a person who has lost a child. it is devastating. you have nurtured given love, devoted your energy to driving them, talking to them, playing with them for a year or more of their life and yours. this is a long time!! some go even longer. then they go home. you are so happy for them because you know how children can suffer, question, wonder and the loss they feel without that birth parent. so you have joy for them. the parents are on the right path. they are not perfect but they are trying. this feeling goes hand in hand with the thought that the parent isn't going to give them what you can. they don't have a stable enough life yet. they haven't been "clean" long enough. doesn't DCFS see what I see? don't the AG's office and Guardian ad litem have any idea what they may put this child through by going home too early? how can they do this?
then the realization that you as the foster parent have very little voice. you can scream, argue, through tantrums, share facts, share how the child has blossomed at our home. how they are now performing at their appropriate age. DCFS thanks you (maybe) then tells you the parents are on their way to a doing well. They need the opportunity and if the child comes into care again, you will be the first one DCFS contacts to take them back so you can live the roller coaster again
the big day arrives and they leave. you pack their favorite things. You send them with so much more than they came with. you dress them in their very best. You bathe them, make sure you have everything. clean out their room, and you try not to break down. The caseworker arrives. the dreaded moment has come. you have to have hand over your beloved child. the one who now tolerates your presence, who hugs you, who gives you a smile, who rushes towards you when they see you. we always include an "instruction" sheet. this is about foods they like. they are working on doing this.... the sleep and eat times. we instruct the parent through the letter to not wash all of their belongings right away but to keep them smelling like us to make the transition easier. we tell them of our love for their child. we send them with pictures of their life. then, you have to hand over your baby/child to the caseworker. the caseworker tries to reassure you. they can't always fully meet your eyes as they know you are grieving. they may give you one more minute to say goodbye. you whisper sweet words of love. you tell them they are strong and they will be okay. that you will always love them. you tell them to remember you and what a family should feel like. you hope they will have that thought somewhere in their mind for years to come.
then..they are gone from your life. that easily they came into it and that quickly they are no longer with you. you enter your home, say a prayer and finally break down. the loss is real. you are a grieving parent. most people don't know how to react or what to say. they don't treat you like you have lost a huge chunk of your life.
you take some time to be with your family. then....you do it again with another one. we have done this with 65 children. some have been able to stay but that has it repercussions as well. that is another post.
we have a new baby that we are currently giving all of our love to. This baby may be returned to its birth family. how do you rationalize this in your mind? how do you give them all that they need but protect yourself? the truth? you can't. they deserve the very best of you. they deserve your best effort. the deserve all you have to give. that is why you became a foster parent. to help, to encourage, to love, to teach. to keep children in a family because that is what they need and what you have the strength to provide.
Not everyone can be a foster parent. this was a calling that you were chosen for. no one ever said it would be easy....
The hard part :Many people can grasp the concept of adding a child to your family. many people have experienced this reality themselves. The idea that is hard to convey is how one night you have your "normal" family and an hour, a day, a week, or a minute later your life changes when you get the phone call asking you to if you would consider taking a sibling group into your home or an individual child, or a young mom and her child. By the way, we don't know much about them. but DCFS can usually tell you why the child was removed, the gender and ages. Sometimes, that is all you get. Then you have a limited time to make a decision that is life changing. Most people can't grasp what that is like. When you say "No". No one understands the guilt that takes hold. Few understand when you say "yes" how you have to change your life around for children you haven't even met yet. But, this is the life of a foster parent. no complaints just fact.
The harder part, you are taking care of this child. you give it your all. you take them to school, you take them to the Dr., you take them to church, vacations, birthdays, you treat them as your children. it is fun and hard, you learn a lot. you grow together. you start to create an attachment. this is the hard part for friends and family to understand. this doesn't just naturally happen. both sides have to work on it and lets face it, not all personalities mesh together. when you give birth to children or adopt " a sure thing", this happens a lot more naturally and easier. when we foster you have this child with no bond or connection to you (nor do they want one with you) and you have to create it. you have this strangers child you are doing "everything" for and they reject you, your rules, your decisions, your comments. the act out on holidays and birthdays and these events become harder to face because you know what is probably going to happen. they don't like their schedules changed. not only don't they like it but the can't handle it. major meltdowns occur. and don't even get me started on what happens on a "visit day". it is ugly for several days after and usually the day before. even babies....
the hardest part comes when they leave. this is a loss you can't describe, except to a person who has lost a child. it is devastating. you have nurtured given love, devoted your energy to driving them, talking to them, playing with them for a year or more of their life and yours. this is a long time!! some go even longer. then they go home. you are so happy for them because you know how children can suffer, question, wonder and the loss they feel without that birth parent. so you have joy for them. the parents are on the right path. they are not perfect but they are trying. this feeling goes hand in hand with the thought that the parent isn't going to give them what you can. they don't have a stable enough life yet. they haven't been "clean" long enough. doesn't DCFS see what I see? don't the AG's office and Guardian ad litem have any idea what they may put this child through by going home too early? how can they do this?
then the realization that you as the foster parent have very little voice. you can scream, argue, through tantrums, share facts, share how the child has blossomed at our home. how they are now performing at their appropriate age. DCFS thanks you (maybe) then tells you the parents are on their way to a doing well. They need the opportunity and if the child comes into care again, you will be the first one DCFS contacts to take them back so you can live the roller coaster again
the big day arrives and they leave. you pack their favorite things. You send them with so much more than they came with. you dress them in their very best. You bathe them, make sure you have everything. clean out their room, and you try not to break down. The caseworker arrives. the dreaded moment has come. you have to have hand over your beloved child. the one who now tolerates your presence, who hugs you, who gives you a smile, who rushes towards you when they see you. we always include an "instruction" sheet. this is about foods they like. they are working on doing this.... the sleep and eat times. we instruct the parent through the letter to not wash all of their belongings right away but to keep them smelling like us to make the transition easier. we tell them of our love for their child. we send them with pictures of their life. then, you have to hand over your baby/child to the caseworker. the caseworker tries to reassure you. they can't always fully meet your eyes as they know you are grieving. they may give you one more minute to say goodbye. you whisper sweet words of love. you tell them they are strong and they will be okay. that you will always love them. you tell them to remember you and what a family should feel like. you hope they will have that thought somewhere in their mind for years to come.
then..they are gone from your life. that easily they came into it and that quickly they are no longer with you. you enter your home, say a prayer and finally break down. the loss is real. you are a grieving parent. most people don't know how to react or what to say. they don't treat you like you have lost a huge chunk of your life.
you take some time to be with your family. then....you do it again with another one. we have done this with 65 children. some have been able to stay but that has it repercussions as well. that is another post.
we have a new baby that we are currently giving all of our love to. This baby may be returned to its birth family. how do you rationalize this in your mind? how do you give them all that they need but protect yourself? the truth? you can't. they deserve the very best of you. they deserve your best effort. the deserve all you have to give. that is why you became a foster parent. to help, to encourage, to love, to teach. to keep children in a family because that is what they need and what you have the strength to provide.
Not everyone can be a foster parent. this was a calling that you were chosen for. no one ever said it would be easy....
Thursday, September 11, 2014
Feelings about motherhood
It is very hard for me to describe what motherhood means. It means so much. When I first thought about becoming a mom, I didn't give it much thought. I knew I always wanted to be a mom but, I never thought about the life altering significance this would have on me. This is one of the hardest, most rewarding jobs I have ever experienced. This is also one of the most hard core jobs I have seen. It is time consuming. It is all encompassing. There is rarely a moment in my life when I am not thinking about my kids or my mothering skills (or lack thereof). My kids have a way of stripping me down and exposing my deepest vulnerabilities and weaknesses. They also have a way of lifting me to emotions I didn't even know I was capable of. The joy is overwhelming when I see something simple and amazing happen between them or to them. I could take a lifetime and never explain what motherhood means to me. I have witnessed mothers "losing" their children to the state. I have seen the impact that has on the children. I have consoled children on the loss they have experienced by losing their mother. (in the foster care world) You begin to see and realize the significance a mother has in her children's life. I think you can only measure motherhood through your growth and experience. You can measure it in the moments of your life when you feel such radiating joy. I realize what motherhood means to me in the small moments when all of my kids are sitting around the dinner table, talking, laughing and passing food bowls. The sun shines a little brighter, the joy that fills my soul is overwhelming. tears fill my eyes and my heart swells. My feelings on motherhood are vast and deep. The significance of my role in my children's lives overwhelms me. I mess up. I mess up bad. But, I jump right back in and try to experience those rare moments of the pure joy motherhood brings.
What are your views of motherhood?
What are your views of motherhood?
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Let Them Be Little
I can remember when you fit in the palm of my hand.
You felt so good in it; no bigger than a minute.
How it amazes me you're changin' with every blink.
Faster than a flower blooms, they grow up all too soon.
So let them be little,
'Cause they're only that way for a while.
Give 'em hope, give them praise,
Give them love every day.
Let 'em cry, let 'em giggle,
Let 'em sleep in the middle,
Oh, but let them be little.
I never felt so much in one little tender touch.
I live for those kisses, your prayers an' your wishes.
An' now you're teachin' me how only a child can see.
Tonight, while we're on our knees, all I ask is:
Please, let them be little,
'Cause they're only that way for a while.
Give them hope, give them praise,
Give them love every day.
Let 'em cry, let 'em giggle,
Let 'em sleep in the middle,
Oh, but let them be little.
The so innocent, precious soul:
You turn around, an' it's time to let them go.
So let them be little,
'Cause they're only that way for a while.
Give them hope, give 'em praise,
Give them love every day.
Let 'em cry, let 'em giggle,
Let them sleep in the middle,
Oh, but let them be little.
Let them be little.
I have been listening to this song lately by Billy dean. I always thought my young children would never grow up. I thought they would be little forever. I had my friends tell me to "enjoy this because they grow up so fast". I thought "Really? when? cause you have no idea what it is like. "
Now that 3 of my children are graduated and "on their own", I have to say they were right.
I rushed and rushed and while I enjoyed them, I am not sure I appreciated the simple joy they bring to my life.
I have the chance to change that with 15 children still under 13. This time I am trying to enjoy them more. I spend more time cuddling and less time mopping.
I spend more time playing cats cradle and less worrying about making dinner.
I like to sit and read witha child or two cuddled up with me than worry about getting the laundry done.
I don't always do great with this because I like to live in a clean house too.
It is fun to be the one they come to when they have good grades to share and funny stories that happened at school.
I was so busy trying to teach them how to do things that would make them more independent that I forgot to let them be little more.
Now, my oldest will be married in a few days with a little one of her own on the way. I will encourage her to let me enjoy this little one. I hope I can instill the importance of enjoying the moments that happen with her little ones.
The Lord put so much into our little ones. I have a beautiful little one now that smiles at me whenever we make eye contact. Her whole body smiles and I can't help but be overwhelemed with love, joy and peace when I see that.
I know that my other children had the same effect on me but I have forgotten among the arguing, dirty looks, and rebelliousness that occurs as the seek their independence.
It isn't coincidence that you have the life you do with your little ones. You were entrusted by the Lord to raise them. this is no small committment ore responsibility. You can be assured that problems will happen at every age.
I was telling John that I wish the biggest problem I had with my older children was a dirty diaper ir messy cupboards. I would trade it back. I can't do that though. i have to figure out these older ages just like I had to figure out the younger ones.
Enjoy the age they are. It doesn't mean that you have to be happy that they have drawn on the walls, or emptied the toliet paper roll AGAIN, or that they flushed the remote but, I promise there is humor to be found if you look for it.
Laugh, lay and play with your babies because I promise, "they will grow up so fast and you will wish for this time again". We are always looking ahead that we sometimes miss what is right in front of us. We think " i have to teach them this now because later..." That is true. But, it doesn't all have to be about formal teaching. You are teaching so much more when we enjoy their success, find humor in the mess and relax with them.
You are so important in your childs life. I do promise that you will forget the messes they created and you will wistfully reflect on their cuteness and what you did together. You are raising the whole child not just a part.
Love them more and Let Them be Little....as long as you can.
You felt so good in it; no bigger than a minute.
How it amazes me you're changin' with every blink.
Faster than a flower blooms, they grow up all too soon.
So let them be little,
'Cause they're only that way for a while.
Give 'em hope, give them praise,
Give them love every day.
Let 'em cry, let 'em giggle,
Let 'em sleep in the middle,
Oh, but let them be little.
I never felt so much in one little tender touch.
I live for those kisses, your prayers an' your wishes.
An' now you're teachin' me how only a child can see.
Tonight, while we're on our knees, all I ask is:
Please, let them be little,
'Cause they're only that way for a while.
Give them hope, give them praise,
Give them love every day.
Let 'em cry, let 'em giggle,
Let 'em sleep in the middle,
Oh, but let them be little.
The so innocent, precious soul:
You turn around, an' it's time to let them go.
So let them be little,
'Cause they're only that way for a while.
Give them hope, give 'em praise,
Give them love every day.
Let 'em cry, let 'em giggle,
Let them sleep in the middle,
Oh, but let them be little.
Let them be little.
I have been listening to this song lately by Billy dean. I always thought my young children would never grow up. I thought they would be little forever. I had my friends tell me to "enjoy this because they grow up so fast". I thought "Really? when? cause you have no idea what it is like. "
Now that 3 of my children are graduated and "on their own", I have to say they were right.
I rushed and rushed and while I enjoyed them, I am not sure I appreciated the simple joy they bring to my life.
I have the chance to change that with 15 children still under 13. This time I am trying to enjoy them more. I spend more time cuddling and less time mopping.
I spend more time playing cats cradle and less worrying about making dinner.
I like to sit and read witha child or two cuddled up with me than worry about getting the laundry done.
I don't always do great with this because I like to live in a clean house too.
It is fun to be the one they come to when they have good grades to share and funny stories that happened at school.
I was so busy trying to teach them how to do things that would make them more independent that I forgot to let them be little more.
Now, my oldest will be married in a few days with a little one of her own on the way. I will encourage her to let me enjoy this little one. I hope I can instill the importance of enjoying the moments that happen with her little ones.
The Lord put so much into our little ones. I have a beautiful little one now that smiles at me whenever we make eye contact. Her whole body smiles and I can't help but be overwhelemed with love, joy and peace when I see that.
I know that my other children had the same effect on me but I have forgotten among the arguing, dirty looks, and rebelliousness that occurs as the seek their independence.
It isn't coincidence that you have the life you do with your little ones. You were entrusted by the Lord to raise them. this is no small committment ore responsibility. You can be assured that problems will happen at every age.
I was telling John that I wish the biggest problem I had with my older children was a dirty diaper ir messy cupboards. I would trade it back. I can't do that though. i have to figure out these older ages just like I had to figure out the younger ones.
Laugh, lay and play with your babies because I promise, "they will grow up so fast and you will wish for this time again". We are always looking ahead that we sometimes miss what is right in front of us. We think " i have to teach them this now because later..." That is true. But, it doesn't all have to be about formal teaching. You are teaching so much more when we enjoy their success, find humor in the mess and relax with them.
You are so important in your childs life. I do promise that you will forget the messes they created and you will wistfully reflect on their cuteness and what you did together. You are raising the whole child not just a part.
Love them more and Let Them be Little....as long as you can.
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