Self doubt, Insecurity and Me

I am feeling friendless and sad today. While in my mind, I recognize I have friends, I have a hard time sometimes feeling like I am a part of something. I feel like I don't have a group to belong to. I feel sad. I feel melancholy. I feel unimportant. I feel invisible. I feel unloved. I feel unacomplished. I feel isolated. I feel alone. I feel uninterested.
Wow! It feels kind of good to write it down and say it outloud. The reason it feels good? Because sometimes I think we all operate behind a mask. We all put our best foot forward so people don't see our pain, suffering or hurt. We don't want people to pity us or walk on eggshells around us. We don't want people to offer us platitudes. Because, we KNOW what you are going to say and we know what we need to be doing and we KNOW the reality. (and this isn't it)
We never really know what is going on with someone else. That is why we hurt feelings we don't mean to. We only see our hurt and suffering but, we don't see all of the depth of someone else's life. We have no idea what goes on behind the scenes in someone's life.
I am in no way trying to sympathy or hear words of encouragement.
The reality of MY life is I hear "I hate you Mom" "I hate living in this house" I have children who are "parentified". I have constant mini battles over who is in charge in my home. I have endless screaming tantrums. I have to work with children who suffer from fetal Alcohol Syndrome Disorder. I live with children who feel abandoned. Who were neglected or abused. The fact is my life is just not normal nor anywhere close to it.
When I hold my children, babies I have the thoughts of "how long will this last?" Because the children I raise sometimes leave. The trauma of that alone is devastating. I have experienced the grief process of over 30+ children. While mine haven't actually died, they have in way because I won't see the child I nurtured and helped raise again.
Every once in awhile, the thoughts that I wrote above plague me.
I mean, I do suffer from treated depression as well but the thoughts still slip through sometimes.
This is where the love of a good husband comes in. This is where the love of Heavenly Father creates a balm that begins to heal my heart and mind. This is where friendly hugs, phone calls and notes help get through these patches.
While some of us have amazing self esteem and probably have no idea what I am talking about, I think many more of us occasionally struggle with feelings of doubt and self worth.
There is hope for you. I know because there is hope for me.
Heavenly Father knows my personal struggles. He knows what I am feeling. He knows what I need. He gives it to me too.
It may take more than one prayer, but the love does come. If I just hold on and am patient, the Lord always comes through. He always heals my aching heart.
The words to one of my favorite songs comes to mind:

Album: He Hears Me by Hilary Weeks

Here I am again, down on my knees
And with every pleading word, Thy comfort I seek
Though the words are slow to come,
My thoughts are racing by
Peace fills the room, Thy spirit is nigh

He hears me
When I'm crying in the night
He hears me
When my soul longs to fight
Till the morning will come
And the light of the dawn reassures...
He hears me

Any hour, wherever I may be
In the silence of an empty room, or on a crowded street
Whether offering thanks, or in urgency I pray
I never go unnoticed, I'm never lead astray

Chorus

Any whisper of the soul
No matter how old
Father hears the call

So Hold on! You can work through this. You are strong. Don't give into the deceit Satan perpetuates. You are worthy of all the love being offered around you. You are worthy of so many blessings. You are worthy.

Acknowledge your struggles. Acknowledge that you are in a darker place. 

Then...do all that you can to turn it over to the Lord. Allow Him to carry these burdens and struggles for you. Because this is what He wants to do for you. Then, carry on and fulfil your calling the best you can.

Today is a new day. Embrace it. Love it. Find any speck of joy in it you can because the light will come. 

Faith, Trust and Pixie Dust

There are many htings I want to write about today. So, this post may be random and disjointed but, it is how I think and this is my blog, so...
       First on my list? Marriage. I have been thinking a lot about the blessings of marriage. I am grateful for the opportunity i have been given to be with John all of these years. They have been awesome years. I really can't believe I have been married for so long. John and I see so many things through the same eyes. It is incredible. We also have differences (a lot of them). But, I sure wouldn't change the progress we have made together. I am lucky to have someone who loves children. He doesn't mind taking care of them. He doesn't mind taking care of the house, yard or whatever else has to be done. I love that! He likes taking the kids to the cabin by himself. Not for praise from others but because he recognizes I need some time to myself. He is just amazing. I come up with some crazy ideas sometimes, and he quietly listens (probably hoping/praying I will change my mind). He supports and encourages my dreams even at the cost of his own sanity. :/ How did I ever find someone who believes in me so much? How did I ever get so blessed?
      Second, I have been having some issues and I feel it is time I made a stand. I have wrestled with this decision for a long time. Anxiety creeps into my gut as I even write this. (afraid of the backlash) Here are my thoughts. I love people. I don't care what your color is, what your religion is, what your problems or hang ups are...I just LOVE people. Currently, there is much being said about same sex marriage. I feel it is time I make a stand. I belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints. I make no apologies for my religious views and preferences. I have many friends and family members who are either living in a same sex relationship or have been married. My views are, what you do in your life is personal and up to you. I make too many mistakes to judge someone on their choices. You have the right to decide how you want to live. I will continue to love and respect you. It is almost taboo right now to speak against same sex marriage. People can be funny. They want "equal rights and opportunities" but if you oppose this, you are evil and wrong etc... I admire people for being a voice for their beliefs. There is no need to bash or get ugly with varying opinions. So in this, we will have to agree to disagree and move on. I have to say, I don't support same sex marriage. This is a personal choice and decision I have come to on my own. I do follow the counsel given to me by my church leaders but, ultimately my decisions are mine. They are not because someone has told me what to think or do. We all need to take a stand on what we believe. We all need to be a voice for change and good. We even need to stand up if we will ultimately stand alone. I love and respect your opinion and I hope you will be kind and gracious and accept mine.
      Finally, life is hard! There are certainly joyous moments but, there are many difficult trials too. Perfection in our mortal life doesn't exist. I am sorry, everyone has problems. What we do with our problems is what makes us who we are. It is time we accepted responsibility for ourselves. It is time we start learning to love the person we have been, who we are now, and who we are becoming. So what if you are overweight? Does that give you any less value than a thin person? Nope. Love yourself. Love who you are. Love the journey you are on. Enjoy the hard road and be grateful when an easier road comes along. Laugh more. Play more. Enjoy more. The treasures in life are not what you have gained financially but, what you gain eternally. Take time to have those moments in life you will cherish forever. Find joy in your journey. Find the uniqueness in yourself. Find the happiness within. This life will lead you on an incredible journey if you let it.
     one final thought...your perfection is different from mine. embrace our differences. we complement each other. it takes all kinds. we are equal. we are what makes our country, community and family strong. improve on that strength and you will be able to feel the joy and love that is waiting for you.

A Mother's Love

A Mother’s Love

As I sit and ponder the past few days, I can’t help but feel overwhelming joy and sadness at the same time.

  We have had the extreme pleasure of having 4 beautiful children in our home for the past 2 years. They are currently 4,3,2 and 1.  They are beautiful. We have watched them progress, grow and change so much.

    We had a trial to attend yesterday for a TPR (termination of parental rights). This is always a very emotional day. Your feelings are so mixed up. You know you want to keep “your” kiddos but you feel extreme empathy to the plight of the birth family. I always feel such an overwhelming amount of love for  them. It is hard to describe.

       Yes, I know they have made choices that have led them to this moment, just as I have. However, no one has a child to deliberately lose custody of them. I believe the birth family loves their children just as I do. I believe they have not been given or applied the tools needed to make the appropriate changes. Yes, they have responsibility in this. I always pray the Lord will show these parents mercy for their choices.  When substances are involved a lot of the parents agency (free choice) is taken from them.  I believe the Lord will grant them mercy and understanding.

      Anyway, this particular day, the parents came to court. They ended up voluntarily relinquishing their parental rights.  You might be reading this and saying “Yea” “That is wonderful” etc…. The despair comes from observing this process. I am sorry but, this is NEVER been an easy thing for me to witness. I have seen this a lot and it has NEVER been easy.  There is such a sadness for them.  A sadness for their children. A profound sadness for all of the loss involved.  There is also anger. Anger for the situation they found themselves in. Righteous anger on the children’s behalf.

    Finally there is joy. Piercingly, sweet joy. The knowledge that these children will stay with our family. We love them as our children and the grief would have been that of losing a child, if they had left.

     Celebration seems wrong in the face of the loss. But, my heart and soul are rejoicing in the love of an eternal family. A family who relies on the Lord and His infinite wisdom to allow children to experience their trials and tribulations.

       So, as I watched a family dissolve. I also saw a family being born. How can I ever express in word the gift I have been given of having these precious littles in my life? How can I express my love for the birth parents and let them know I will love and care for their children as if I gave birth to them?  Will that bring them comfort? I hope so.

      In essence, we have the privilege of being able to adopt the four littles that have lived with us. While I feel immense sadness and incredible joy, I revel in the love of a wise Heavenly Father. A Father who put us in the right place at the right time to carry out His divine purpose.

        I give thanks for birth parents who truly do the best they can.  I give thanks for the countless hours the state has put in on our behalf and for the children. I give thanks for the wonderful support of our neighbors, family and friends who have fasted and prayed multiple times on the children’s behalf.  I give thanks for the love and support we receive on a daily basis.

        A mother’s love….this takes on a profound meaning for me when I am given the gift of a child.  There is no way to express the depth of love we have for our children. I didn’t have to carry children in my womb to love them with all of my being.  Just because a mom/dad have made mistakes does not mean they also don’t share a profound love for their children.

There is no way to express how grateful I am to have the opportunity to touch so many children’s lives.  This is not the path I had chosen for myself but, it is the one I am glad to have been given. 

       I love that we have the opportunity to have 4 children join our eternal family.  What a blessing this will be for our family.

What a blessing this will hopefully be for our children. 

       Our family is blessed by the addition of 4. This mother’s heart is filled to overflowing.  (and yes, we already know there are more to come) :)

Moments

My oldest child was married this weekend. My oldest son took leave this weekend and surprised me for a 38 hour visit. Aleceeya took care of the little guys for me for 2 days. It was an amazing weekend.
My thoughts have run the gamut this week along with my emotions.
My daughter is no longer solely mine. I have to share her now with her husband. My role in her life has shifted. UGH! That is painful.
At the same time, I share in her joy. Wow...

I have a son who sacrificed so much to try and visit me and surprise me for the weekend. I wasn't expecting that at all. When he walked in through the front door, I thought I was seeing things. I couldn't believe I had the privilege of seeing him again. It reminds me of what it will feel like to see Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ again. I wish I could express the utter sense of joy and love that I felt in that one small moment.
Moments...I guess that is what I have been thinking about.
Moments in time.
This moment was beautiful. All i wanted to do was hug my son and I was granted that privilege again. Know that when your children get bigger it is harder. They leave, they come back, they have problems that you can't solve. They are a part of you and yet they have their own life to lead seperately from you. that is very hard. You are not the center anymore.
So, back to moments.
There are moments in our lives when you feel like you can not bear the weight of your trials another second.
There are moments of such pure joy that you think life could not get any better.
There are moments filled with such regret that you are not sure you can make things right.
Moments of heartache, moments of peace, contentment, happiness, and perfection.
Each and every moment, though, is an opportunity to re-evaluate what life is about and how to achieve this feeling again or how to improve so I don't feel this way again.
To often we strive for that moment of perfection. What we don't realize is that trying to attain perfection is not necessary to have a great life. The only perfect person was the Savior. Even He didn't experience a perfect life. But, he did have moments. Just like we do.
Moments that remind us that this is why we are here.
I had a few moments this past weekend when I thought, "I have been blessed with so much more than I deserve. This is what my life can be like everyday as I strive to return to my Heavenly Father". It was a glimpse or a moment of the pure love of Christ. I felt that love by being blessed to have all of my children with me for a few days.
It was overwhelming. I am not sure my mortal body could experience that depth of love and emotion everyday. I certainly would like to try and that is why we have moments.
What is your moment?

How do you define service?

So, I was at the Geneva Heights Family History Library last night. I have been our wards Family History Consultant for 8 years now. (I think I have almost beat the Stake President).
I volunteer there on the 2nd, 4th and 5th Sundays. I love it! I started off with a a couple of hundred names in my family history, now I have 3,000. That is a good chunk of names.
Anyway, the last 2 Sundays I have been working on indexing. Last Sunday, I indexed part of the 1940 census (as an aside, one of the easiest I have ever indexed). Last night, I indexed World War II draft registration cards. That was fun. I registered a whole bunch of Chinese men who were living in the United States. Sorry, I digress.
A young lady came in wanting to get started on her Family History. She was looking for a connection for her great grandmother. She was trying to find out if the record she had was the right lady. Well, we found out it wasn't. Then, we found several records that were and that listed additional siblings (she didn't know about) and her great great grandmother lived next door so, we were able to get a jump start on the next generation for her. All thanks to the Census records.
Now, a person could obviously see that this is service. It made me feel great to help her. She was so excited that this could be the person  they have been looking for.
I started thinking about service. i do service everyday. Not formally but, every meal I make, every diaper I change, every item I pick up is service.
I don't look at my day to day life as doing service. I think of it more like my job. I felt so much joy, as I usually do, when I provided her with some service. I should be feeling that same joy at home if I look at my life as a service mission.Have you ever heard anyone talk about their mission like this,"gosh! i couldn't believe of the laundry i had to do for those people!" "if i have to change one more diaper for this family, I am going to scream."? of course not, i could go clean someone elses house all day long and feel a profound sense of joy and fulfillment but, why don't I feel that way at home all the time?
I think it is because I have been looking at my life in the wrong way.
I look at the repetitiveness and the routine of it and loose sight of the valuable service I am performing each and every day.
It doesn't have to be a grand gesture. It just has to be done with love. I can manage that. Because, there is certainly no one in this world I love more than my family.
So don't look at your responsibilities as a chore or obligation. Look at them as a chance to service those that you love the most.
I know it isn't easy when there is whining, arguing and fighting but if your fmaily begins to see the joy you have in serving them, I believe there attitudes  while chnage. Your home life will become what we all desire, a heaven on earth. Where you can be peaceful and relaxed and enjoy the fleeting time of raising your family.

It will become the refuge from the trials that beset us. So, find joy in your service. Find joy in your life. When we work on these concepts a step at a time, we will feel the Lord's presence even more in our lives. You can do this. One step at a time.