It is very hard for me to describe what motherhood means. It means so much. When I first thought about becoming a mom, I didn't give it much thought. I knew I always wanted to be a mom but, I never thought about the life altering significance this would have on me. This is one of the hardest, most rewarding jobs I have ever experienced. This is also one of the most hard core jobs I have seen. It is time consuming. It is all encompassing. There is rarely a moment in my life when I am not thinking about my kids or my mothering skills (or lack thereof). My kids have a way of stripping me down and exposing my deepest vulnerabilities and weaknesses. They also have a way of lifting me to emotions I didn't even know I was capable of. The joy is overwhelming when I see something simple and amazing happen between them or to them. I could take a lifetime and never explain what motherhood means to me. I have witnessed mothers "losing" their children to the state. I have seen the impact that has on the children. I have consoled children on the loss they have experienced by losing their mother. (in the foster care world) You begin to see and realize the significance a mother has in her children's life. I think you can only measure motherhood through your growth and experience. You can measure it in the moments of your life when you feel such radiating joy. I realize what motherhood means to me in the small moments when all of my kids are sitting around the dinner table, talking, laughing and passing food bowls. The sun shines a little brighter, the joy that fills my soul is overwhelming. tears fill my eyes and my heart swells. My feelings on motherhood are vast and deep. The significance of my role in my children's lives overwhelms me. I mess up. I mess up bad. But, I jump right back in and try to experience those rare moments of the pure joy motherhood brings.
What are your views of motherhood?
Thursday, September 11, 2014
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Faith, Trust and Pixie Dust
First on my list? Marriage. I have been thinking a lot about the blessings of marriage. I am grateful for the opportunity i have been given to be with John all of these years. They have been awesome years. I really can't believe I have been married for so long. John and I see so many things through the same eyes. It is incredible. We also have differences (a lot of them). But, I sure wouldn't change the progress we have made together. I am lucky to have someone who loves children. He doesn't mind taking care of them. He doesn't mind taking care of the house, yard or whatever else has to be done. I love that! He likes taking the kids to the cabin by himself. Not for praise from others but because he recognizes I need some time to myself. He is just amazing. I come up with some crazy ideas sometimes, and he quietly listens (probably hoping/praying I will change my mind). He supports and encourages my dreams even at the cost of his own sanity. :/ How did I ever find someone who believes in me so much? How did I ever get so blessed?
Second, I have been having some issues and I feel it is time I made a stand. I have wrestled with this decision for a long time. Anxiety creeps into my gut as I even write this. (afraid of the backlash) Here are my thoughts. I love people. I don't care what your color is, what your religion is, what your problems or hang ups are...I just LOVE people. Currently, there is much being said about same sex marriage. I feel it is time I make a stand. I belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints. I make no apologies for my religious views and preferences. I have many friends and family members who are either living in a same sex relationship or have been married. My views are, what you do in your life is personal and up to you. I make too many mistakes to judge someone on their choices. You have the right to decide how you want to live. I will continue to love and respect you. It is almost taboo right now to speak against same sex marriage. People can be funny. They want "equal rights and opportunities" but if you oppose this, you are evil and wrong etc... I admire people for being a voice for their beliefs. There is no need to bash or get ugly with varying opinions. So in this, we will have to agree to disagree and move on. I have to say, I don't support same sex marriage. This is a personal choice and decision I have come to on my own. I do follow the counsel given to me by my church leaders but, ultimately my decisions are mine. They are not because someone has told me what to think or do. We all need to take a stand on what we believe. We all need to be a voice for change and good. We even need to stand up if we will ultimately stand alone. I love and respect your opinion and I hope you will be kind and gracious and accept mine.
Finally, life is hard! There are certainly joyous moments but, there are many difficult trials too. Perfection in our mortal life doesn't exist. I am sorry, everyone has problems. What we do with our problems is what makes us who we are. It is time we accepted responsibility for ourselves. It is time we start learning to love the person we have been, who we are now, and who we are becoming. So what if you are overweight? Does that give you any less value than a thin person? Nope. Love yourself. Love who you are. Love the journey you are on. Enjoy the hard road and be grateful when an easier road comes along. Laugh more. Play more. Enjoy more. The treasures in life are not what you have gained financially but, what you gain eternally. Take time to have those moments in life you will cherish forever. Find joy in your journey. Find the uniqueness in yourself. Find the happiness within. This life will lead you on an incredible journey if you let it.
one final thought...your perfection is different from mine. embrace our differences. we complement each other. it takes all kinds. we are equal. we are what makes our country, community and family strong. improve on that strength and you will be able to feel the joy and love that is waiting for you.
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Top 10 things people say to my family...and the answers
10. Are they all yours? Yes. they are all of mine. recently at Costco a man commented that we had a lot of groceries. we said something like "we have 16 kiddos at home." He said, "Wow! i thought I had a lot with 11!" We replied, "that is a lot!" (people often think this is a competition) He said, "well, mine are all from one wife." John said, "well, I can't make that same claim." Then, we left. I felt horrible that he might of thought we were polygamists or something. Then, I thought, "Who says stuff like that?" Who says well, mine are all from one wife!
9. "I couldn't do foster care, I could NEVER give them back" Someone just said this to me at a meeting I attended. I know they didn't mean anything wrong by it but, that hurt. Do people think I am the Tin man and don't have a heart? Do they think I believe children are disposable? Do they think I hand children back and leave with no sadness? Do they think I am not haunted by the loss of all of these children that have come through my life? It is definitely NOT easy. It hurts and it is hard. I am normal. I hurt like everyone else. Do you know what it is like to exclusively care for a child for 1 year or more and then they have to leave your home?
8. How do you manage all of their "problems" ? It is hard. they have issues that they didn't create. But, I would like they have "problems" just like the rest of us do. Many of them are from living in a home were parents are still learning their priorities. They didn't create this.
7. I would be too afraid for my children to ever take in a foster child. This is often followed up by "they would introduce them to too many bad things". You always take a risk exposing your children to things you don't want them to know. I take the risk when they watch tv, play with a friend, go to Disneyland, attend school...the list goes on and on. For the most part, kids are going to expose other kids to the things they have learned. Kids may find out the Easter Bunny or Santa aren't real from other kids too. We take preemptive measures and talk to our kids before they find out from someone else. Our children are prepared for what they may see, hear and experience. They may find out things a little earlier that other children but, that is okay. We constantly ask, "what do you think about that?"
6. You must be angels. I honestly cringe when people say this. The truth is we make a million mistakes every day. (John less than me, of course.) We have more opportunity (more kids) to make more mistakes than the average parent. We are definitely not angels. We yell, we get frustrated, overwhelmed and a myriad of other emotions with our kids. We are however trying to be the best possible people we can be.
5. How can you manage it all? We have a great team. We all contribute. John loves it when we actually coordinate it all on our cell phone calendars. :) That really makes him happy. John has worked overtime lately because I have been gone working. (That will change in 5 weeks). But, we have each others back.
4. Do you know all of your kids names?This one is hilarious to me. I was seriously asked this question on multiple occasions. Do you know YOUR children's names? Really? I may get hung up on the year they were born but yes, I know their names. geesh!
3. It must be easier having older children who can help with the youngers all of the time. My answer? You either don't have older children or you don't have older and younger children. The truth is, my children are incredible. They help so much! But, raising my kids is my responsibility not theirs! They do help a lot when asked but, it isn't always a pleasant encounter. They don't always WANT to help. They are kids after all. many of them, have not had the actual experience of being kids.
2. How can you afford all of those children? This one is very personal to me. The fact is, we have been incredibly blessed! People continue to surprise me with their generosity towards our family. We have lived on one income for almost all of the 23 years we have been married. This has been a great blessing. No kidding, money can be tight sometimes. But, we make due with less. We rarely eat out. Going to a movie is a luxury. We don't (GASP!) have cable tv. We save where we can.
1. What is this group about? (we are just a family) Then, who are your real children? This makes me laugh. People often have an awkward hand gesture that accompanies this question. They often follow this up with the second question. Really? They all look real to me how about you? When they persist, we thank them for the added therapy sessions they have created. They are all of my real children. Yes I have some biological children but, lets not discuss that in front of the kids that can hear you.
Bottom line? Think before you speak. I don't often get offended. Although that guy at Costco...really? My kids have learned to deal with the questions/stares and the disgust that oozes from people who don't agree with the amount of children we have. All in all, people are pretty darn nice. people want to understand they just don't always think how it sounds.
I love what we do. In 5 weeks, I will love being home again permanently. sometimes I wish I could speed up time and be home now. I have learned there is no place I would rather be than home with my family. I will answer the final question (even though I have several times now) Yes, we will probably have more...
9. "I couldn't do foster care, I could NEVER give them back" Someone just said this to me at a meeting I attended. I know they didn't mean anything wrong by it but, that hurt. Do people think I am the Tin man and don't have a heart? Do they think I believe children are disposable? Do they think I hand children back and leave with no sadness? Do they think I am not haunted by the loss of all of these children that have come through my life? It is definitely NOT easy. It hurts and it is hard. I am normal. I hurt like everyone else. Do you know what it is like to exclusively care for a child for 1 year or more and then they have to leave your home?
8. How do you manage all of their "problems" ? It is hard. they have issues that they didn't create. But, I would like they have "problems" just like the rest of us do. Many of them are from living in a home were parents are still learning their priorities. They didn't create this.
7. I would be too afraid for my children to ever take in a foster child. This is often followed up by "they would introduce them to too many bad things". You always take a risk exposing your children to things you don't want them to know. I take the risk when they watch tv, play with a friend, go to Disneyland, attend school...the list goes on and on. For the most part, kids are going to expose other kids to the things they have learned. Kids may find out the Easter Bunny or Santa aren't real from other kids too. We take preemptive measures and talk to our kids before they find out from someone else. Our children are prepared for what they may see, hear and experience. They may find out things a little earlier that other children but, that is okay. We constantly ask, "what do you think about that?"
6. You must be angels. I honestly cringe when people say this. The truth is we make a million mistakes every day. (John less than me, of course.) We have more opportunity (more kids) to make more mistakes than the average parent. We are definitely not angels. We yell, we get frustrated, overwhelmed and a myriad of other emotions with our kids. We are however trying to be the best possible people we can be.
5. How can you manage it all? We have a great team. We all contribute. John loves it when we actually coordinate it all on our cell phone calendars. :) That really makes him happy. John has worked overtime lately because I have been gone working. (That will change in 5 weeks). But, we have each others back.
4. Do you know all of your kids names?This one is hilarious to me. I was seriously asked this question on multiple occasions. Do you know YOUR children's names? Really? I may get hung up on the year they were born but yes, I know their names. geesh!
3. It must be easier having older children who can help with the youngers all of the time. My answer? You either don't have older children or you don't have older and younger children. The truth is, my children are incredible. They help so much! But, raising my kids is my responsibility not theirs! They do help a lot when asked but, it isn't always a pleasant encounter. They don't always WANT to help. They are kids after all. many of them, have not had the actual experience of being kids.
2. How can you afford all of those children? This one is very personal to me. The fact is, we have been incredibly blessed! People continue to surprise me with their generosity towards our family. We have lived on one income for almost all of the 23 years we have been married. This has been a great blessing. No kidding, money can be tight sometimes. But, we make due with less. We rarely eat out. Going to a movie is a luxury. We don't (GASP!) have cable tv. We save where we can.
1. What is this group about? (we are just a family) Then, who are your real children? This makes me laugh. People often have an awkward hand gesture that accompanies this question. They often follow this up with the second question. Really? They all look real to me how about you? When they persist, we thank them for the added therapy sessions they have created. They are all of my real children. Yes I have some biological children but, lets not discuss that in front of the kids that can hear you.
Bottom line? Think before you speak. I don't often get offended. Although that guy at Costco...really? My kids have learned to deal with the questions/stares and the disgust that oozes from people who don't agree with the amount of children we have. All in all, people are pretty darn nice. people want to understand they just don't always think how it sounds.
I love what we do. In 5 weeks, I will love being home again permanently. sometimes I wish I could speed up time and be home now. I have learned there is no place I would rather be than home with my family. I will answer the final question (even though I have several times now) Yes, we will probably have more...
Sunday, March 9, 2014
Lesson learned!
Today was a day that I kinda wish had a do over. I rarely want a do over because I would rather take the lessons I learned and make the next day better. Today was stressful. John was gone for early morning meetings. I needed to do so much. I had children to dress, a diaper bag to pack, potty training stuff (clean clothes in case of an accident), no one got breakfast so, snacks needed to be packed, kids hair done, find all of the missing shoes ( I told all of the kids to check their church stuff last night, to make sure they had everything and then get out the door. With Daylight Savings Time in effect this morning, we were running late and with an hour less of sleep. (like everyone else, I am sure)
So, while I was at church, my 3 youngest decided to be screaming banshees. They were running, climbing, screeching, crawling etc...during sacrament meeting. This does not bode well when you still have 2 1/2 hours of church left. :/ I took them out into the foyer and hallways to walk them around. So, I missed my son, Jacob, giving a talk. I also missed all of the other learning opportunities. It is hard enough when your littles are struggling but to have that happen week after week at church is exhausting. I was feeling tired and a little stressed.
Today, I got the others to their classes and my youngest started screaming. We went to Sunday School and sat down and when I sat she started crying. Off to the hallway we went. She was content to play and walk around for a few minutes but then she started screaming. I tried everything. I walked, we sat, we stood, we climbed, bottles, toys you name it. Then, she hit her head which escalated the screaming. Some nice ladies stopped and tried to intervene but she was having none of it. She wanted me to fix it. After about 30 minutes, a lady opened up the Sunday school door and said "it is really loud in here." and closed the door.
My first reaction was anger. Wow! really? Do you think I don't know how loud she was being? Then, it was sarcasm mixed in with anger "where am I supposed to take her at church?" The mother's room had babies in it. The hallway was my only option. "Do you think I want to listen to this? " "Don't you know I am trying to calm her down?" "I would never say something like that to someone." Maybe offer to help but... I am ashamed to say the list when on and on.
I ended up leaving church to take her home.
I started praying right away to apologize for my anger. "Where did that come from?" I wondered. Then, I realized a few things.
First, the baby was being loud and disruptive. Why did someone pointing that out make me so upset? The lady is really super nice. I chose to be offended. I chose anger over laughter. I could have laughed and said "You showed hear it on this end." I could have apologized, "Boy, I am sorry. I did not realize it was coming through the doors so loud." But, instead I chose anger. It was a choice I made.
Second, I realized the power of the adversary is real. I have already known this to be the case but I was reminded he does not want me to be at church. How did he get me? Through my anger.
Third, I am better than that. Yes, it happened. I take responsibility for my part. I was feeling frustrated. I was feeling tired. There was nothing I could do for the crying baby. Feelings of inadequacy were rushing through my body.
Finally, I have a high tolerance for noise and baby cries. They don't bother me as much as it would if I didn't have children or were used to some form of quiet during the day. I am not used to quiet. Quiet means I am sleeping and so are the kids. There is no "quiet" at my house at all.
I guess what I am trying to say is, there is value in looking at the other side of the problem. There is value in "being slow to process and respond to confrontation" of any sort. I would probably have a lot less friends if I spoke everything I thought right away. Heavenly Father blessed me with slower thoughts because He knew I needed a moment to reign in the automatic response.
The lady at church really didn't do anything wrong. It is my response that was in the wrong. It was my thoughts that were wrong.
I realized I have a testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I know I was were I was supposed to be today. I know I needed to experience what I did today to remind me to be humble, and teachable. I needed to be reminded to listen to the still small voice of the Holy Spirit so I can be directed and guided in the path I need to follow.
That said, I want to apologize to anyone that heard my baby cry today. I did not mean to distract you from hearing the lessons you needed to hear. I heard mine loud and clear. To the lady who made the comment? I apologize for the anger I felt toward you. It was my issue not yours. Thank you for helping me to learn a good lesson today. You are a good friend. I apologize for not moving away from the door sooner.
Now, my baby is sleeping and the house is quiet for a few minutes and I am enjoying the time to ponder and feel the Holy Spirit. This is what should have been happening for the people at church.
So, who says you can't learn anything important at church when you have to be in the hallway?
(not my baby)
So, while I was at church, my 3 youngest decided to be screaming banshees. They were running, climbing, screeching, crawling etc...during sacrament meeting. This does not bode well when you still have 2 1/2 hours of church left. :/ I took them out into the foyer and hallways to walk them around. So, I missed my son, Jacob, giving a talk. I also missed all of the other learning opportunities. It is hard enough when your littles are struggling but to have that happen week after week at church is exhausting. I was feeling tired and a little stressed.
Today, I got the others to their classes and my youngest started screaming. We went to Sunday School and sat down and when I sat she started crying. Off to the hallway we went. She was content to play and walk around for a few minutes but then she started screaming. I tried everything. I walked, we sat, we stood, we climbed, bottles, toys you name it. Then, she hit her head which escalated the screaming. Some nice ladies stopped and tried to intervene but she was having none of it. She wanted me to fix it. After about 30 minutes, a lady opened up the Sunday school door and said "it is really loud in here." and closed the door.
My first reaction was anger. Wow! really? Do you think I don't know how loud she was being? Then, it was sarcasm mixed in with anger "where am I supposed to take her at church?" The mother's room had babies in it. The hallway was my only option. "Do you think I want to listen to this? " "Don't you know I am trying to calm her down?" "I would never say something like that to someone." Maybe offer to help but... I am ashamed to say the list when on and on.
I ended up leaving church to take her home.
I started praying right away to apologize for my anger. "Where did that come from?" I wondered. Then, I realized a few things.
First, the baby was being loud and disruptive. Why did someone pointing that out make me so upset? The lady is really super nice. I chose to be offended. I chose anger over laughter. I could have laughed and said "You showed hear it on this end." I could have apologized, "Boy, I am sorry. I did not realize it was coming through the doors so loud." But, instead I chose anger. It was a choice I made.
Second, I realized the power of the adversary is real. I have already known this to be the case but I was reminded he does not want me to be at church. How did he get me? Through my anger.
Third, I am better than that. Yes, it happened. I take responsibility for my part. I was feeling frustrated. I was feeling tired. There was nothing I could do for the crying baby. Feelings of inadequacy were rushing through my body.
Finally, I have a high tolerance for noise and baby cries. They don't bother me as much as it would if I didn't have children or were used to some form of quiet during the day. I am not used to quiet. Quiet means I am sleeping and so are the kids. There is no "quiet" at my house at all.
I guess what I am trying to say is, there is value in looking at the other side of the problem. There is value in "being slow to process and respond to confrontation" of any sort. I would probably have a lot less friends if I spoke everything I thought right away. Heavenly Father blessed me with slower thoughts because He knew I needed a moment to reign in the automatic response.
The lady at church really didn't do anything wrong. It is my response that was in the wrong. It was my thoughts that were wrong.
I realized I have a testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I know I was were I was supposed to be today. I know I needed to experience what I did today to remind me to be humble, and teachable. I needed to be reminded to listen to the still small voice of the Holy Spirit so I can be directed and guided in the path I need to follow.
That said, I want to apologize to anyone that heard my baby cry today. I did not mean to distract you from hearing the lessons you needed to hear. I heard mine loud and clear. To the lady who made the comment? I apologize for the anger I felt toward you. It was my issue not yours. Thank you for helping me to learn a good lesson today. You are a good friend. I apologize for not moving away from the door sooner.
Now, my baby is sleeping and the house is quiet for a few minutes and I am enjoying the time to ponder and feel the Holy Spirit. This is what should have been happening for the people at church.
So, who says you can't learn anything important at church when you have to be in the hallway?
(not my baby)Thursday, January 30, 2014
A Mother's Love
A Mother’s Love
As I sit and ponder the past
few days, I can’t help but feel overwhelming joy and sadness at the same time.
We have had the extreme pleasure of having 4
beautiful children in our home for the past 2 years. They are currently 4,3,2
and 1. They are beautiful. We have
watched them progress, grow and change so much.
We had a trial to attend yesterday for a
TPR (termination of parental rights). This is always a very emotional day. Your
feelings are so mixed up. You know you want to keep “your” kiddos but you feel
extreme empathy to the plight of the birth family. I always feel such an
overwhelming amount of love for them. It
is hard to describe.
Yes, I know they have made choices that
have led them to this moment, just as I have. However, no one has a child to
deliberately lose custody of them. I believe the birth family loves their children
just as I do. I believe they have not been given or applied the tools needed to
make the appropriate changes. Yes, they have responsibility in this. I always
pray the Lord will show these parents mercy for their choices. When substances are involved a lot of the
parents agency (free choice) is taken from them. I believe the Lord will grant them mercy and
understanding.
Anyway, this particular day, the parents
came to court. They ended up voluntarily relinquishing their parental
rights. You might be reading this and
saying “Yea” “That is wonderful” etc…. The despair comes from observing this
process. I am sorry but, this is NEVER been an easy thing for me to witness. I
have seen this a lot and it has NEVER been easy. There is such a sadness for them. A sadness for their children. A profound
sadness for all of the loss involved.
There is also anger. Anger for the situation they found themselves in.
Righteous anger on the children’s behalf.
Finally there is joy. Piercingly, sweet joy.
The knowledge that these children will stay with our family. We love them as
our children and the grief would have been that of losing a child, if they had
left.
Celebration seems wrong in the face of the
loss. But, my heart and soul are rejoicing in the love of an eternal family. A
family who relies on the Lord and His infinite wisdom to allow children to
experience their trials and tribulations.
So, as I watched a family dissolve. I also saw
a family being born. How can I ever express in word the gift I have been given
of having these precious littles in my life? How can I express my love for the
birth parents and let them know I will love and care for their children as if I
gave birth to them? Will that bring them
comfort? I hope so.
In essence, we have the privilege of
being able to adopt the four littles that have lived with us. While I feel
immense sadness and incredible joy, I revel in the love of a wise Heavenly
Father. A Father who put us in the right place at the right time to carry out
His divine purpose.
I give thanks for birth parents who
truly do the best they can. I give
thanks for the countless hours the state has put in on our behalf and for the
children. I give thanks for the wonderful support of our neighbors, family and
friends who have fasted and prayed multiple times on the children’s
behalf. I give thanks for the love and
support we receive on a daily basis.
A
mother’s love….this takes on a profound meaning for me when I am given the gift
of a child. There is no way to express
the depth of love we have for our children. I didn’t have to carry children in
my womb to love them with all of my being.
Just because a mom/dad have made mistakes does not mean they also don’t
share a profound love for their children.
There is no way to express
how grateful I am to have the opportunity to touch so many children’s
lives. This is not the path I had
chosen for myself but, it is the one I am glad to have been given.
I
love that we have the opportunity to have 4 children join our eternal family. What a blessing this will be for our family.
What a blessing this will hopefully
be for our children.
Our family is blessed by the addition of
4. This mother’s heart is filled to overflowing. (and yes, we already know there are more to
come) :)
Saturday, January 4, 2014
The Year of My Quest...Post #3
So, I was reviewing my week. It didn't go as planned. Here is where I say...Oh well! Who cares that the week didn't go the way I had planned. The world didn't come to a crashing halt because the kids didn't behave or because I made mistakes. What I am focusing on and learning is it is okay of things aren't perfect. It is okay if my kids don't do what I think they should. This is not a reflection on my parenting skills. It isn't a reflection on me personally in any way. It is a reflection on them and their personalities. I take some pride when people say , "Oh your children are so well behaved." I immediately think..well I am parenting well. What I have failed to realize is my children are behaving well (yes, because they have been taught to) because they want to. They realize they create more happiness and harmony within the family(and within themselves) when they obey the family rules. Obviously, parenting does play a part in them learning but, I continually put everything they do on me and I seem to forget they are not me. They are their own person. they have their own struggles, their own trials and I am here to guide them through those things not force them into the way I think they should be.
Now, onto my changing. The above paragraph was a big realization for a week. However. this is not what I have been working on. I realized this week that people take my silence as acceptance. Just because I don't argue with you or disagree with you, doesn't mean I agree. My silence is a way for me to process what I have been told. It is also a way for you to know you can tell me judgement free what you need to. It however does not mean, I accept everything you tell me.
I tend to open my mouth and blurt without thinking. I am always saying dumb things that I think are funny. Or things that make perfect sense to me (and no one else). I am trying really hard to think BEFORE I speak. So, I will often be quiet. (I think I have said I am a slow processor before, right?)
Anyway, just because i don't express my political views or my opinion on gay marriage or a million other things, doesn't mean I agree with what is going on or disagree. I am just not expressing my opinions in public forums just yet. I will eventually because i believe there will come a time when we all will need to take a stand against what we feel is wrong or right. However, i am just not quite there. Trust me, certain things have directly affected my family and we have expressed our opinions. We have counseled through things together. I do have a conservative view of things. My point being...silence is not acceptance.
So, I am working on making my silence a little more vocal. Not to be mean but, to let people know they aren't playing me any more. No more will I be a party to being silent in the face of things I don't agree with. I can state my opinions and offending people. :) That is my goal.
Now, onto my changing. The above paragraph was a big realization for a week. However. this is not what I have been working on. I realized this week that people take my silence as acceptance. Just because I don't argue with you or disagree with you, doesn't mean I agree. My silence is a way for me to process what I have been told. It is also a way for you to know you can tell me judgement free what you need to. It however does not mean, I accept everything you tell me.
I tend to open my mouth and blurt without thinking. I am always saying dumb things that I think are funny. Or things that make perfect sense to me (and no one else). I am trying really hard to think BEFORE I speak. So, I will often be quiet. (I think I have said I am a slow processor before, right?)
Anyway, just because i don't express my political views or my opinion on gay marriage or a million other things, doesn't mean I agree with what is going on or disagree. I am just not expressing my opinions in public forums just yet. I will eventually because i believe there will come a time when we all will need to take a stand against what we feel is wrong or right. However, i am just not quite there. Trust me, certain things have directly affected my family and we have expressed our opinions. We have counseled through things together. I do have a conservative view of things. My point being...silence is not acceptance.
So, I am working on making my silence a little more vocal. Not to be mean but, to let people know they aren't playing me any more. No more will I be a party to being silent in the face of things I don't agree with. I can state my opinions and offending people. :) That is my goal.
Monday, December 30, 2013
Quest #2
The last few days have not been easy. Sometimes, it seems as though when I set a goal, everything seems to go wrong as I try to accomplish it.
I often wonder, am I the one sabotaging myself. If I am, then why would I do that?
Yesterday was my 43rd birthday. My kids were giving me all kinds of grief yesterday. I ended up staying home from church with a few of them. I realized a few things during this time.
I have missed more church in the last few months than I have in the entire 20 years as a member of The Church of Latter Day Saints. During this time of reflection I realized that I have been slowly pulling away from the One who will help me the most. Heavenly Father is the one who will always be in my corner. He will always guide me and help me. He will always give me the strength and support I need to succeed in all of my endeavors.
So, now for the honesty part. This is hard for me. Not because I can't be honest...it is because I don't like the thought of being judged by others. I don't like to be seen as weak in any way. But, I promised you I would be honest so...here it goes.
I believe I an creating most of the contention in my home. There are many reasons for doing this but, it comes down to my insecurities. My kids often give me a really hard day on my birthday and Mother's Day (ugh! I really don't like these days). I am the one who almost looks for the sign they show me that they think I am a bad mom. I look for those sometimes because it reinforces some of the things I already feel.
So, back to sabotaging myself. If I don't meet the goal I have set for myself (which is often ridiculously high) I reinforce to myself how unworthy I really am. I deliberately want to tell myself how lousy I am. How I can't accomplish anything etc... It is totally unhealthy.
Also, I am well aware of my good points too. I just find those harder to believe.
Like I said, this a journey. This is the first step. Honesty! Trying to figure out my part in sabotaging myself. Trying to figure out how I can make my family stronger and how I can meet my goals.
So, someday has come. I am figuring this out now. I am also being kind to myself by realizing, I am a work in progress. I have faults and I am working on improving them. I have a long road ahead of me but, I am worth it. I deserve the best and I can make it happen. One step at a time.
I often wonder, am I the one sabotaging myself. If I am, then why would I do that?
Yesterday was my 43rd birthday. My kids were giving me all kinds of grief yesterday. I ended up staying home from church with a few of them. I realized a few things during this time.
I have missed more church in the last few months than I have in the entire 20 years as a member of The Church of Latter Day Saints. During this time of reflection I realized that I have been slowly pulling away from the One who will help me the most. Heavenly Father is the one who will always be in my corner. He will always guide me and help me. He will always give me the strength and support I need to succeed in all of my endeavors.
So, now for the honesty part. This is hard for me. Not because I can't be honest...it is because I don't like the thought of being judged by others. I don't like to be seen as weak in any way. But, I promised you I would be honest so...here it goes.
I believe I an creating most of the contention in my home. There are many reasons for doing this but, it comes down to my insecurities. My kids often give me a really hard day on my birthday and Mother's Day (ugh! I really don't like these days). I am the one who almost looks for the sign they show me that they think I am a bad mom. I look for those sometimes because it reinforces some of the things I already feel.
So, back to sabotaging myself. If I don't meet the goal I have set for myself (which is often ridiculously high) I reinforce to myself how unworthy I really am. I deliberately want to tell myself how lousy I am. How I can't accomplish anything etc... It is totally unhealthy.
Also, I am well aware of my good points too. I just find those harder to believe.
Like I said, this a journey. This is the first step. Honesty! Trying to figure out my part in sabotaging myself. Trying to figure out how I can make my family stronger and how I can meet my goals.
So, someday has come. I am figuring this out now. I am also being kind to myself by realizing, I am a work in progress. I have faults and I am working on improving them. I have a long road ahead of me but, I am worth it. I deserve the best and I can make it happen. One step at a time.
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