The last few days have not been easy. Sometimes, it seems as though when I set a goal, everything seems to go wrong as I try to accomplish it.
I often wonder, am I the one sabotaging myself. If I am, then why would I do that?
Yesterday was my 43rd birthday. My kids were giving me all kinds of grief yesterday. I ended up staying home from church with a few of them. I realized a few things during this time.
I have missed more church in the last few months than I have in the entire 20 years as a member of The Church of Latter Day Saints. During this time of reflection I realized that I have been slowly pulling away from the One who will help me the most. Heavenly Father is the one who will always be in my corner. He will always guide me and help me. He will always give me the strength and support I need to succeed in all of my endeavors.
So, now for the honesty part. This is hard for me. Not because I can't be honest...it is because I don't like the thought of being judged by others. I don't like to be seen as weak in any way. But, I promised you I would be honest so...here it goes.
I believe I an creating most of the contention in my home. There are many reasons for doing this but, it comes down to my insecurities. My kids often give me a really hard day on my birthday and Mother's Day (ugh! I really don't like these days). I am the one who almost looks for the sign they show me that they think I am a bad mom. I look for those sometimes because it reinforces some of the things I already feel.
So, back to sabotaging myself. If I don't meet the goal I have set for myself (which is often ridiculously high) I reinforce to myself how unworthy I really am. I deliberately want to tell myself how lousy I am. How I can't accomplish anything etc... It is totally unhealthy.
Also, I am well aware of my good points too. I just find those harder to believe.
Like I said, this a journey. This is the first step. Honesty! Trying to figure out my part in sabotaging myself. Trying to figure out how I can make my family stronger and how I can meet my goals.
So, someday has come. I am figuring this out now. I am also being kind to myself by realizing, I am a work in progress. I have faults and I am working on improving them. I have a long road ahead of me but, I am worth it. I deserve the best and I can make it happen. One step at a time.
Saturday, December 28, 2013
I am going on a quest. A quest to discover who the "real" me is. I am well aware of who I am. But, i have always been a people pleaser. There is nothing innately wrong with wanting to please people. I have been a "must be seen as" person. So, I do and say a lot of things that stress me out, because I don't want to make waves or because I want to be seen in a certain way. Again, I am not sure there is a lot wrong with this personality type. We need all kinds of people in this world. We need people like me. However, in the past year I have been making some changes in my life..
I have lost 50 pounds. I have made a goal of running a half marathon. I am almost at a 5K in 6 weeks. I couldn't believe it! just yesterday, I ran 22 minutes in a row! At about 15 minutes into the run, I started to like it.! Who knew?
I have already committed to losing at least 20 pounds in 2014. I am going to shoot for 30 though.
I am also contemplating more changes in the near future. Some I can't disclose at this particular moment.
I want to clarify, I am not talking about selfishness here. So many people talk about "what about me? what about my time? what about what I want?" I am talking about improving myself. I am talking about not doing things because I don't want to disappoint people. I am talking about not overcommiting myself when I am already overwhelmed.
It will not be easy. It has taken me 43 years to be this person, it will take more than a month to change. I am going to be gentle with myself as I endeavor to make these changes. I am going to talk positively to myself and give myself permission to both succeed and fail. I am going to handle both of these with honesty, courage and hopefulness.
I am going to give my children more of my time, love and compassion. I will give them less criticism, anger, and judgement. I am going to give my husband more support, strength and encouragement. I will give him less excuses, frustration and whining.
This is the year! This is the time for less justification and more honesty.
So again....I am on a quest. A quest to find me. A quest to be more positive. A quest to do what I feel is right. A quest to become a better, stronger me. A quest to not only help and please people but to be true to myself and to make me happy too.
Any one want to join me for an opportunity to makes some changes? Healthwise? Emotionally? Let's make this journey together. Judgement free and honestly. One day at a time, one hour a time,or one minute at a time hand in hand.