Monday, December 30, 2013

Quest #2

The last few days have not been easy. Sometimes, it seems as though when I set a goal, everything seems to go wrong as I try to accomplish it.
      I often wonder, am I the one sabotaging myself. If I am, then why would I do that?
      Yesterday was my 43rd birthday. My kids were giving me all kinds of grief yesterday. I ended up staying home from church with a few of them. I realized a few things during this time.
      I have missed more church in the last few months than I have in the entire 20 years as a member of The Church of Latter Day Saints. During this time of reflection I realized that I have been slowly pulling away from the One who will help me the most. Heavenly Father is the one who will always be in my corner. He will always guide me and help me. He will always give me the strength and support I need to succeed in all of my endeavors.
    So, now for the honesty part. This is hard for me. Not because I can't be is because I don't like the thought of being judged by others. I don't like to be seen as weak in any way. But, I promised you I would be honest it goes.
    I believe I an creating most of the contention in my home. There are many reasons for doing this but, it comes down to my insecurities. My kids often give me a really hard day on my birthday and Mother's Day (ugh! I really don't like these days). I am the one who almost looks for the sign they show me that they think I am a bad mom. I look for those sometimes because it reinforces some of the things I already feel.
     So, back to sabotaging myself. If I don't meet the goal I have set for myself (which is often ridiculously high) I reinforce to myself how unworthy I really am. I deliberately want to tell myself how lousy I am. How I can't accomplish anything etc... It is totally unhealthy.
     Also, I am well aware of my good points too. I just find those harder to believe.
      Like I said, this a journey. This is the first step. Honesty! Trying to figure out my part in sabotaging myself. Trying to figure out how I can make my family stronger and how I can meet my goals.
      So, someday has come. I am figuring this out now. I am also being kind to myself by realizing, I am a work in progress. I have faults and I am working on improving them. I have a long road ahead of me but, I am worth it. I deserve the best and I can make it happen. One step at a time.


GrandmaPam said...

I know this is an older post; but I needed to let you know how much I appreciate your thoughts on sabotaging yourself. I never really thought about it like this and I am going to try to remember this when I do the same.

Bonnie said...

Tonight I am balling thinking that I am going to ruin my children by the way I overreact to something they do that I am sure I'll look back and realize it's not such a big deal. I've read some of your posts and think you are truly amazing, and you are, but then I read this post and realize your just as human as the rest of us. But you don't give up, you keep on trying to improve and that gives me hope and strength too. Thank you for sharing the good, the bad and the ugly. It doesn't make me want to judge you, rather it helps me feel better knowing others struggle too.
I have many good days and yet one bad parenting moment like tonight makes me think I'm terrible at it and that I'm going to mess up my child permanently. Those are the times I have to remind myself that the atonement can make up the difference for my weakness and all is not lost. Thanks for letting me has helped me feel better.

Thilltribe said...

Thank you GrandmaPam. I know we can be kind to ourselves when we recognize we are making wrong choices. Recognizing is the key. :)

Thilltribe said...

Thank you for your comment. It is hard some days to put myself out there and be brutally honest. You are too kind. FYI, I am totally human with not an ounce of perfection. We should all enjoy the journey we are on.