Top 10 things people say to my family...and the answers

10. Are they all yours? Yes. they are all of mine. recently at Costco a man commented that we had a lot of groceries. we said something like "we have 16 kiddos at home." He said, "Wow! i thought I had a lot with 11!" We replied, "that is a lot!" (people often think this is a competition) He said, "well, mine are all from one wife." John said, "well, I can't make that same claim." Then, we left. I felt horrible that he might of thought we were polygamists or something. Then, I thought, "Who says stuff like that?" Who says well, mine are all from one wife!
9. "I couldn't do foster care, I could NEVER give them back" Someone just said this to me at a meeting I attended. I know they didn't mean anything wrong by it but, that hurt. Do people think I am the Tin man and don't have a heart? Do they think I believe children are disposable? Do they think I hand children back and leave with no sadness? Do they think I am not haunted by the loss of all of these children that have come through my life? It is definitely NOT easy. It hurts and it is hard. I am normal. I hurt like everyone else. Do you know what it is like to exclusively care for a child for 1 year or more and then they have to leave your home?
8. How do you manage all of their "problems" ? It is hard. they have issues that they didn't create. But, I would like they have "problems" just like the rest of us do. Many of them are from living in a home were parents are still learning their priorities. They didn't create this.
7. I would be too afraid for my children to ever take in a foster child. This is often followed up by "they would introduce them to too many bad things".  You always take a risk exposing your children to things you don't want them to know. I take the risk when they watch tv, play with a friend, go to Disneyland, attend school...the list goes on and on. For the most part, kids are going to expose other kids to the things they have learned. Kids may find out the Easter Bunny or Santa aren't real from other kids too. We take preemptive measures and talk to our kids before they find out from someone else. Our children are prepared for what they may see, hear and experience. They may find out things a little earlier that other children but, that is okay. We constantly ask, "what do you think about that?"
6. You must be angels. I honestly cringe when people say this. The truth is we make a million mistakes every day. (John less than me, of course.) We have more opportunity (more kids) to make more mistakes than the average parent. We are definitely not angels. We yell, we get frustrated, overwhelmed and a myriad of other emotions with our kids. We are however trying to be the best possible people we can be.
5. How can you manage it all? We have a great team. We all contribute. John loves it when we actually coordinate it all on our cell phone calendars. :) That really makes him happy. John has worked overtime lately because I have been gone working. (That will change in 5 weeks). But, we have each others back.
4. Do you know all of your kids names?This one is hilarious to me. I was seriously asked this question on multiple occasions. Do you know YOUR children's names? Really? I may get hung up on the year they were born but yes, I know their names. geesh!
3. It must be easier having older children who can help with the youngers all of the time. My answer? You either don't have older children or you don't have older and younger children. The truth is, my children are incredible. They help so much! But, raising my kids is my responsibility not theirs! They do help a lot when asked but, it isn't always a pleasant encounter. They don't always WANT to help. They are kids after all. many of them, have not had the actual experience of being kids.
2. How can you afford all of those children? This one is very personal to me. The fact is, we have been incredibly blessed! People continue to surprise me with their generosity towards our family. We have lived on one income for almost all of the 23 years we have been married. This has been a great blessing. No kidding, money can be tight sometimes. But, we make due with less. We rarely eat out. Going to a movie is a luxury. We don't (GASP!) have cable tv. We save where we can.
1. What is this group about? (we are just a family) Then, who are your real children? This makes me laugh. People often have an awkward hand gesture that accompanies this question. They often follow this up with the second question. Really? They all look real to me how about you? When they persist, we thank them for the added therapy sessions they have created. They are all of my real children. Yes I have some biological children but, lets not discuss that in front of the kids that can hear you.

Bottom line? Think before you speak. I don't often get offended. Although that guy at Costco...really? My kids have learned to deal with the questions/stares and the disgust that oozes from people who don't agree with the amount of children we have. All in all, people are pretty darn nice. people want to understand they just don't always think how it sounds.
I love what we do. In 5 weeks, I will love being home again permanently. sometimes I wish I could speed up time and be home now. I have learned there is no place I would rather be than home with my family. I will answer the final question (even though I have several times now) Yes, we will probably have more...

Lesson learned!

Today was a day that I kinda wish had a do over. I rarely want a do over because I would rather take the lessons I learned and make the next day better. Today was stressful. John was gone for early morning meetings. I needed to do so much. I had children to dress, a diaper bag to pack, potty training stuff (clean clothes in case of an accident), no one got breakfast so, snacks needed to be packed, kids hair done, find all of the missing shoes ( I told all of the kids to check their church stuff last night, to make sure they had everything and then get out the door.  With Daylight Savings Time in effect this morning, we were running late and with an hour less of sleep. (like everyone else, I am sure)
So, while I was at church, my 3 youngest decided to be screaming banshees. They were running, climbing, screeching, crawling etc...during sacrament meeting. This does not bode well when you still have 2 1/2 hours of church left. :/ I took them out into the foyer and hallways to walk them around. So, I missed my son, Jacob, giving a talk. I also missed all of the other learning opportunities. It is hard enough when your littles are struggling but to have that happen week after week at church is exhausting. I was feeling tired and a little stressed.
Today, I got the others to their classes and my youngest started screaming. We went to Sunday School and sat down and when I sat she started crying. Off to the hallway we went. She was content to play and walk around for a few minutes but then she started screaming. I tried everything. I walked, we sat, we stood, we climbed, bottles, toys you name it. Then, she hit her head which escalated the screaming. Some nice ladies stopped and tried to intervene but she was having none of it. She wanted me to fix it. After about 30 minutes, a lady opened up the Sunday school door and said "it is really loud in here." and closed the door.
My first reaction was anger. Wow! really? Do you think I don't know how loud she was being? Then, it was sarcasm mixed in with anger "where am I supposed to take her at church?" The mother's room had babies in it. The hallway was my only option. "Do you think I want to listen to this? " "Don't you know I am trying to calm her down?" "I would never say something like that to someone."  Maybe offer to help but... I am ashamed to say the list when on and on.
I ended up leaving church to take her home.
I started praying right away to apologize for my anger. "Where did that come from?" I wondered. Then, I realized a few things.
First, the baby was being loud and disruptive. Why did someone pointing that out make me so upset?  The lady is really super nice. I chose to be offended. I chose anger over laughter. I could have laughed and said "You showed hear it on this end." I could have apologized, "Boy, I am sorry. I did not realize it was coming through the doors so loud." But, instead I chose anger. It was a choice I made.
Second, I realized the power of the adversary is real. I have already known this to be the case but I was reminded he does not want me to be at church. How did he get me? Through my anger.
Third, I am better than that. Yes, it happened. I take responsibility for my part. I was feeling frustrated. I was feeling tired. There was nothing I could do for the crying baby. Feelings of inadequacy were rushing through my body.
Finally, I  have a high tolerance for noise and baby cries. They don't bother me as much as it would if I didn't have children or were used to some form of quiet during the day. I am not used to quiet. Quiet means I am sleeping and so are the kids. There is no "quiet" at my house at all.
I guess what I am trying to say is, there is value in looking at the other side of the problem. There is value in "being slow to process and respond to confrontation" of any sort. I would probably have a lot less friends if I spoke everything I thought right away. Heavenly Father blessed me with slower thoughts because He knew I needed a moment to reign in the automatic response.
The lady at church really didn't do anything wrong. It is my response that was in the wrong. It was my thoughts that were wrong.
I realized I have a testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I know I was were I was supposed to be today. I know I needed to experience what I did today to remind me to be humble, and teachable. I needed to be reminded to listen to the still small voice of the Holy Spirit so I can be directed and guided in the path I need to follow.
That said, I want to apologize to anyone that heard my baby cry today. I did not mean to distract you from hearing the lessons you needed to hear. I heard mine loud and clear. To the lady who made the comment? I apologize for the anger I felt toward you. It was my issue not yours. Thank you for helping me to learn a good lesson today. You are a good friend. I apologize for not moving away from the door sooner.
Now, my baby is sleeping and the house is quiet for a few minutes and I am enjoying the time to ponder and feel the Holy Spirit. This is what should have been happening for the people at church.

So, who says you can't learn anything important at church when you have to be in the hallway?

(not my baby)

A Mother's Love

A Mother’s Love

As I sit and ponder the past few days, I can’t help but feel overwhelming joy and sadness at the same time.

  We have had the extreme pleasure of having 4 beautiful children in our home for the past 2 years. They are currently 4,3,2 and 1.  They are beautiful. We have watched them progress, grow and change so much.

    We had a trial to attend yesterday for a TPR (termination of parental rights). This is always a very emotional day. Your feelings are so mixed up. You know you want to keep “your” kiddos but you feel extreme empathy to the plight of the birth family. I always feel such an overwhelming amount of love for  them. It is hard to describe.

       Yes, I know they have made choices that have led them to this moment, just as I have. However, no one has a child to deliberately lose custody of them. I believe the birth family loves their children just as I do. I believe they have not been given or applied the tools needed to make the appropriate changes. Yes, they have responsibility in this. I always pray the Lord will show these parents mercy for their choices.  When substances are involved a lot of the parents agency (free choice) is taken from them.  I believe the Lord will grant them mercy and understanding.

      Anyway, this particular day, the parents came to court. They ended up voluntarily relinquishing their parental rights.  You might be reading this and saying “Yea” “That is wonderful” etc…. The despair comes from observing this process. I am sorry but, this is NEVER been an easy thing for me to witness. I have seen this a lot and it has NEVER been easy.  There is such a sadness for them.  A sadness for their children. A profound sadness for all of the loss involved.  There is also anger. Anger for the situation they found themselves in. Righteous anger on the children’s behalf.

    Finally there is joy. Piercingly, sweet joy. The knowledge that these children will stay with our family. We love them as our children and the grief would have been that of losing a child, if they had left.

     Celebration seems wrong in the face of the loss. But, my heart and soul are rejoicing in the love of an eternal family. A family who relies on the Lord and His infinite wisdom to allow children to experience their trials and tribulations.

       So, as I watched a family dissolve. I also saw a family being born. How can I ever express in word the gift I have been given of having these precious littles in my life? How can I express my love for the birth parents and let them know I will love and care for their children as if I gave birth to them?  Will that bring them comfort? I hope so.

      In essence, we have the privilege of being able to adopt the four littles that have lived with us. While I feel immense sadness and incredible joy, I revel in the love of a wise Heavenly Father. A Father who put us in the right place at the right time to carry out His divine purpose.

        I give thanks for birth parents who truly do the best they can.  I give thanks for the countless hours the state has put in on our behalf and for the children. I give thanks for the wonderful support of our neighbors, family and friends who have fasted and prayed multiple times on the children’s behalf.  I give thanks for the love and support we receive on a daily basis.

        A mother’s love….this takes on a profound meaning for me when I am given the gift of a child.  There is no way to express the depth of love we have for our children. I didn’t have to carry children in my womb to love them with all of my being.  Just because a mom/dad have made mistakes does not mean they also don’t share a profound love for their children.

There is no way to express how grateful I am to have the opportunity to touch so many children’s lives.  This is not the path I had chosen for myself but, it is the one I am glad to have been given. 

       I love that we have the opportunity to have 4 children join our eternal family.  What a blessing this will be for our family.

What a blessing this will hopefully be for our children. 

       Our family is blessed by the addition of 4. This mother’s heart is filled to overflowing.  (and yes, we already know there are more to come) :)

The Year of My Quest...Post #3

So, I was reviewing my week. It didn't go as planned. Here is where I say...Oh well! Who cares that the week didn't go the way I had planned. The world didn't come to a crashing halt because the kids didn't behave or because I made mistakes. What I am focusing on and learning is it is okay of things aren't perfect. It is okay if my kids don't do what I think they should. This is not a reflection on my parenting skills. It isn't a reflection on me personally in any way. It is a reflection on them and their personalities. I take some pride when people say , "Oh your children are so well behaved." I immediately think..well I am parenting well. What I have failed to realize is my children are behaving well (yes, because they have been taught to) because they want to. They realize they create more happiness and harmony within the family(and within themselves) when they obey the family rules. Obviously, parenting does play a part in them learning but, I continually put everything they do on me and I seem to forget they are not me. They are their own person. they have their own struggles, their own trials and I am here to guide them through those things not force them into the way I think they should be.
         Now, onto my changing. The above paragraph was a big realization for a week. However. this is not what I have been working on. I realized this week that people take my silence as acceptance. Just because I don't argue with you or disagree with you,  doesn't mean I agree. My silence is a way for me to process what I have been told. It is also a way for you to know you can tell me judgement free what you need to. It however does not mean, I accept everything you tell me.
        I tend to open my mouth and blurt without thinking. I am always saying dumb things that I think are funny. Or things that make perfect sense to me (and no one else). I am trying really hard to think BEFORE I speak. So, I will often be quiet. (I think I have said I am a slow processor before, right?)
       Anyway, just because i don't express my political views or my opinion on gay marriage or a million other things, doesn't mean I agree with what is going on or disagree. I am just not expressing my opinions in public forums just yet. I will eventually because i believe there will come a time when we all will need to take a stand against what we feel is wrong or right. However, i am just not quite there. Trust me, certain things have directly affected my family and we have expressed our opinions. We have counseled through things together. I do have a conservative view of things. My point being...silence is not acceptance.
      So, I am working on making my silence a little more vocal. Not to be mean but, to let people know they aren't playing me any more. No more will I be a party to being silent in the face of things I don't agree with. I can state my opinions and offending people. :) That is my goal.

Quest #2

The last few days have not been easy. Sometimes, it seems as though when I set a goal, everything seems to go wrong as I try to accomplish it.
      I often wonder, am I the one sabotaging myself. If I am, then why would I do that?
      Yesterday was my 43rd birthday. My kids were giving me all kinds of grief yesterday. I ended up staying home from church with a few of them. I realized a few things during this time.
      I have missed more church in the last few months than I have in the entire 20 years as a member of The Church of Latter Day Saints. During this time of reflection I realized that I have been slowly pulling away from the One who will help me the most. Heavenly Father is the one who will always be in my corner. He will always guide me and help me. He will always give me the strength and support I need to succeed in all of my endeavors.
    So, now for the honesty part. This is hard for me. Not because I can't be honest...it is because I don't like the thought of being judged by others. I don't like to be seen as weak in any way. But, I promised you I would be honest so...here it goes.
    I believe I an creating most of the contention in my home. There are many reasons for doing this but, it comes down to my insecurities. My kids often give me a really hard day on my birthday and Mother's Day (ugh! I really don't like these days). I am the one who almost looks for the sign they show me that they think I am a bad mom. I look for those sometimes because it reinforces some of the things I already feel.
     So, back to sabotaging myself. If I don't meet the goal I have set for myself (which is often ridiculously high) I reinforce to myself how unworthy I really am. I deliberately want to tell myself how lousy I am. How I can't accomplish anything etc... It is totally unhealthy.
     Also, I am well aware of my good points too. I just find those harder to believe.
      Like I said, this a journey. This is the first step. Honesty! Trying to figure out my part in sabotaging myself. Trying to figure out how I can make my family stronger and how I can meet my goals.
      So, someday has come. I am figuring this out now. I am also being kind to myself by realizing, I am a work in progress. I have faults and I am working on improving them. I have a long road ahead of me but, I am worth it. I deserve the best and I can make it happen. One step at a time.

I am on a quest...

I am not one to make resolutions at the beginning of the year. If  I need  to make changes I feel like, "why wait" ? I have been contemplating a few things this past month and it just so happens to begin at the end of 2013 and the beginning of 2014. That being said....
        I am going on a quest. A quest to discover who the "real" me is. I am well aware of who I am. But, i have always been a people pleaser. There is nothing innately wrong with wanting to please people. I have been a "must be seen as" person. So, I do and say a lot of things that stress me out, because I don't want to make waves or because I want  to be seen in a certain way. Again, I am not sure there is a lot wrong with this personality type. We need all kinds of people in this world. We need people like me. However, in the past year I have been making some changes in my life..
      I have lost 50 pounds. I have made a goal of running a half marathon. I am almost at a 5K in 6 weeks. I couldn't believe it! just yesterday, I ran 22 minutes in a row! At about 15 minutes into the run, I started to like it.! Who knew?
      I have already committed to losing at least 20 pounds in 2014. I am going to shoot for 30 though.
      I am also contemplating more changes in the near future. Some I can't disclose at this particular moment.
     I want to clarify, I am not talking about selfishness here. So many people talk about "what about me? what about my time? what about what I want?" I am talking about improving myself. I am talking about not doing things because I don't want to disappoint  people. I am talking about not overcommiting myself when I am already overwhelmed.
      It will not be easy. It has taken me 43 years to be this person, it will take more than a month to change. I am going to be gentle with myself as I endeavor to make these changes. I am going to talk positively to myself and give myself permission to both succeed and fail. I am going to handle both of these with honesty, courage and hopefulness.
      I am going to give my children more of my time, love and compassion. I will give them less criticism, anger, and judgement. I am going to give my husband more support, strength and encouragement. I will give him less excuses, frustration and whining.
     This is the year! This is the time for less justification and more honesty.
    So again....I am on a quest. A quest to find me. A quest to be more positive. A quest to do what I feel is right. A quest to become a better, stronger me. A quest to not only help and please people but to be true to myself and to make me happy too.
  Any one want to join me for an opportunity to makes some changes? Healthwise? Emotionally? Let's make this journey together. Judgement free and honestly. One day at a time, one hour a time,or one minute at a time hand in hand.
   
 
       

The difference between your Mother's Day and mine...

Mother's Day brings up a lot of different thoughts and ideas. Some look upon this day as the most wonderful special day in the world and others look upon this day with dread. This day can bring emphasis to women not being able to be a mother, women who have lost their child, and women who feel they will never measure up to the image of what a mother should be. I feel I fall into a different category altogether.
        My category is one that I have to share with the other 7 other mothers who brought my children into the world. This is never a day of sunshine and roses at our home. This is a day of reminders and anger. This is a day when it is shouted from the rooftops "You are not with your biological mom right now!!" This day leads to children who can't regulate themselves but they want to.
        I had to come home early from church today because four of my children were very difficult during our service. I have had hugs today. I have had smiles. I have had pictures drawn and cards given. I was able to Skype with my son, Josh who is serving overseas. One of my daughters brought over a present and attended the beginning hour of church. Now, she is on her way to enjoy Mother's Day with other women in her life.
       I am not whining because the day isn't the best. i am merely wanting to share what this day is like for me.  I know my children love me. I know they work hard to show me they love me. This sometimes comes at a high cost for them. They are so wonderful one day and then crash (into old behaviors) for the next week.
        Mother's Day is somewhat dreaded around our home by all that are involved. We have brought these holidays to the calendar to honor events and people in our lives. Many people don't want the reminders. This is a day like any other day and that is the way we try to address it. However, my kids know what this day is really about and it hurts them. They hurt for what they have lost and I hurt from the backlash of their feelings.
       Mother's Day is merely a day to honor the women in our lives. Whether adopted or biological, influential   friends, cool babysitters, dear friends and anyone else who has made an impact in our lives. Please understand, what your children are going through, has nothing to do with the love they have for you. You are not their second mom or their inferior mom. You are the mom who loves them. the one they know they can rely on. They trust you. They want to be secure in the knowledge of your love for them no matter what they do. They need you to not take this day as a personal attack on you.
        I guess, in my babbling, what I am trying to say is, "Be aware of what we do and say. Be mindful of the struggles and trials of others. Understand this day represents lots of thoughts and emotions from women, men and children."
        Enjoy this day your way. You don't need to use this day to enumerate all of your shortcomings. You can use this day to appreciate women hood and the role you play

. For you childless sisters and those without companions, remember the eternal timetable of the Lord is much longer than the lonely hours of your preparation or the total of this mortal life. These are only as microseconds when compared to eternity. Your willingness and worthiness are surely known to Him. The spiritual rewards of motherhood are available to all women. Nurturing the young, comforting the frightened, protecting the vulnerable, teaching and giving encouragement need not—and should not—be limited to our own children
--Elder Russell M. Nelson, Lessons From Eve, October 1987 

"Be useful in [your] sphere and [do] not be discouraged because of difficulties in the way, but trust in God and look to Him, and His marvelous blessings." — President Lorenzo Snow

"There is nothing in this world as personal, as nurturing, or as life changing as the influence of a righteous woman." — Elder M. Russell Ballard of the Quorum of the Twelve

"Let me say to you sisters that you do not hold a second place in our Father's plan. You are an absolutely essential part of that plan." — President Gordon B. Hinckley

        Enjoy this day as you would any other day. recognize the beauty of being able to be a woman in this time and in this place. You are a beloved daughter of God who Loves you. He knows what you struggle with. He knows you. He has a desire to have you be the best person you can be. Recognize the blessings in your life. There are many so days you just have to look harder for them.

      I love my little bit of heaven on Earth. It is never perfect but I live for the little moments. When I see someone hugging a sibling. Or, sharing a graham cracker. Changing a diaper without being asked. Hugging for no reason. Enjoying shared laughter. creating memories. These are the moments of perfection. Please recognize, no one has a perfect or easier life than you. They just have a different one. 

      Take a deep breathe and live for the tender mercies that the Lord bestows upon you through those around you. You are loved.