Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Self doubt, Insecurity and Me

I am feeling friendless and sad today. While in my mind, I recognize I have friends, I have a hard time sometimes feeling like I am a part of something. I feel like I don't have a group to belong to. I feel sad. I feel melancholy. I feel unimportant. I feel invisible. I feel unloved. I feel unacomplished. I feel isolated. I feel alone. I feel uninterested.
Wow! It feels kind of good to write it down and say it outloud. The reason it feels good? Because sometimes I think we all operate behind a mask. We all put our best foot forward so people don't see our pain, suffering or hurt. We don't want people to pity us or walk on eggshells around us. We don't want people to offer us platitudes. Because, we KNOW what you are going to say and we know what we need to be doing and we KNOW the reality. (and this isn't it)
We never really know what is going on with someone else. That is why we hurt feelings we don't mean to. We only see our hurt and suffering but, we don't see all of the depth of someone else's life. We have no idea what goes on behind the scenes in someone's life.
I am in no way trying to sympathy or hear words of encouragement.
The reality of MY life is I hear "I hate you Mom" "I hate living in this house" I have children who are "parentified". I have constant mini battles over who is in charge in my home. I have endless screaming tantrums. I have to work with children who suffer from fetal Alcohol Syndrome Disorder. I live with children who feel abandoned. Who were neglected or abused. The fact is my life is just not normal nor anywhere close to it.
When I hold my children, babies I have the thoughts of "how long will this last?" Because the children I raise sometimes leave. The trauma of that alone is devastating. I have experienced the grief process of over 30+ children. While mine haven't actually died, they have in way because I won't see the child I nurtured and helped raise again.
Every once in awhile, the thoughts that I wrote above plague me.
I mean, I do suffer from treated depression as well but the thoughts still slip through sometimes.
This is where the love of a good husband comes in. This is where the love of Heavenly Father creates a balm that begins to heal my heart and mind. This is where friendly hugs, phone calls and notes help get through these patches.
While some of us have amazing self esteem and probably have no idea what I am talking about, I think many more of us occasionally struggle with feelings of doubt and self worth.
There is hope for you. I know because there is hope for me.
Heavenly Father knows my personal struggles. He knows what I am feeling. He knows what I need. He gives it to me too.
It may take more than one prayer, but the love does come. If I just hold on and am patient, the Lord always comes through. He always heals my aching heart.
The words to one of my favorite songs comes to mind:

Album: He Hears Me by Hilary Weeks
Here I am again, down on my knees
And with every pleading word, Thy comfort I seek
Though the words are slow to come,
My thoughts are racing by
Peace fills the room, Thy spirit is nigh
He hears me
When I'm crying in the night
He hears me
When my soul longs to fight
Till the morning will come
And the light of the dawn reassures...
He hears me
Any hour, wherever I may be
In the silence of an empty room, or on a crowded street
Whether offering thanks, or in urgency I pray
I never go unnoticed, I'm never lead astray
Any whisper of the soul
No matter how old
Father hears the call

So Hold on! You can work through this. You are strong. Don't give into the deceit Satan perpetuates. You are worthy of all the love being offered around you. You are worthy of so many blessings. You are worthy.
Acknowledge your struggles. Acknowledge that you are in a darker place. 
Then...do all that you can to turn it over to the Lord. Allow Him to carry these burdens and struggles for you. Because this is what He wants to do for you. Then, carry on and fulfil your calling the best you can.
Today is a new day. Embrace it. Love it. Find any speck of joy in it you can because the light will come. 

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